#research has taken me in circles for the last 3 days i am. so sad.

[mashmouths]

i feel like after spending almost 3 months in a class i should know how to answer what seem to be basic questions about the material we're supposed to have covered? or at least understand what the questions are asking <3 and yet <3

[galassyalex]

overwrite

robot!albedo au word count: 1773

warnings: angst, character death

Log:

New role: Chief Alchemist of Mondstadt

“I’m so proud of you, Albedo! But as you know, I’ll be leaving Mondstadt with my husband. I need a favor from you. I want you to take care of my daughter, Klee You’ll be her older brother! We’ll be a family. I trust you’ll protect her and take care of her.”

New role: Older brother

New relationship with: Klee 

New main goal: Protect klee. 

>> Fast forward. Two weeks, 6:04 PM. Mondstadt gate. Log resumes. 

“No! Mom! Klee wants mom to stay!”

Klee is crying, this is a sign of discomfort, overwhelming and sadness. Running analysis. Analysis completed. Klee is sad because Alice, maternal figure, is leaving. 

“Klee, sweetie, mommy needs to leave for work, but your awesome brother Albedo will take care of you.”

Action noted: Hug. A “hug” is performed to comfort and usually bring happiness to both parties. 

“Go with albedo, Klee. Your mother and i should get going now”

New role: Caretaker

New task: comfort klee

Action performed: hug

>> Fast forward. Next day, 2:07 AM. Bedroom. Log resumes. 

“Albedo, are you busy?”

Klee has red eyes, a sign of crying. 

Klee’s hair is messy, a sign that she was sleeping.

Klee is shaking, a sign of discomfort and fear. 

Possible conclusion: Klee has woken up from a nightmare.

Course of action: comfort. 

“Did you have a nightmare? You can stay here if you’d like, sleep in my bed if you need to. I’ll be here watching over you.”

“Thank you ‘bedo, good night!”

Klee has fallen asleep. To ensure a good slumber, tuck her in. 

Action completed. 

New emotions learnt.

Commence night mode. 

>> Fast forward. Six months later, 3:16 pm. Lab. Log resumes. 

“Mister Albedo, another wonderful experiment. I-I’ll write down the results in the report!”

Sucrose is showing excitement. Positive emotion caused by a successful experiment. 

Tasks completed. 

New task: talk with Acting Grand Master Jean. 

>> Fast forward. 5:46 PM. Acting Grand Master’s office. Log resumes.  

“Albedo, I understand your request. But i’m afraid I’ll have to deny it.”

“Why’s that, master Jean?”

“It’s too risky, both the adventurer’s guild and the Knights of Favonius are not prepared for Dragonspine. Sending our chief alchemist on his own after only six months of acting is not a wise decision.”

“Then I believe the knights are not competent.”

“Albedo I ask you to not refer to the knights in such a way. I understand your displeasure but Dragonspine is simply too dangerous. You’re dismissed.”

Master Jean is frowning and rubbing circles on her temple. She seems to be upset at the remark made and also is under a lot of stress. Best course of action is to leave.

“Have a good day, Master Jean.”

Captain Kaeya is in the halls of the headquarters. 

New task: Talk to Captain Kaeya

“Good afternoon, Captain Kaeya”

“Ah, but if it isn’t mondstadts favorite alchemist, what is it that seems to trouble you?”

Captain Kaeya: seems to have taken a liken to me. Claims that people are “into me”. I’m unaware of the meaning of this expression. Is chatty and charming. Difficult to read. 

New task: ask for Kaeya’s support by complimenting him.

“I want to set off to Dragonspine, but Master Jean has denied me permission. She says the knights aren’t ready and I should not go alone. I ask for your help, since you seem to be one of the most skilled knights in this place.”

“Someone seems to be good at sweet talking. Tell you what, I have no specific team to lead but I’ll help you out. Some training should convince Jean you can do it. Plus, you can escape quickly with your Geo vision.” 

“Thank you, Captain Kaeya. I’m truly grateful.”

“Just Kaeya.”

“Captain Kaeya.”

“Kaeya.”

“Chivalry Captain Kaeya.”

“Okay now you’re messing with me. You truly are something.”

Kaeya seems pleased with the interaction.

Go back to the lab and complete the last tasks. 

“I’ll see you around, Kaeya.”

 >> Fast forward. 8:09 PM. Living room. Log resumes. 

“What would you like for dinner, Klee?”

“It’s Klee and dodoco!”

Dodoco is Klee’s doll. Dodoco is not alive. Dodoco can’t think nor move, dodoco cannot eat. This is a weird request. Conducting analysis.

Analysis complete. This is a normal thing for children. Go along with it. 

“I’m sorry. What would Klee and Dodoco like for dinner?”

“We want fish!!”

“Alright, would you like some rice with it?”

“Yes!”

“And lemon?”

“That too!! You’re the best Albedo!”

Klee has praised you, it causes a pleasant feeling. Respond.

“I’m not all that Klee, but thank you.”

Talking bad about one self is a common way to receive compliments. Yet it is a dumb one. 

Klee doesn’t seem to be paying attention anymore, children have short attention spans. Information recorded. 

New task: cook dinner 

Task completed. 

New task: serve the food.

“Klee, do you mind setting the table?”

“Okay!”

Giving children small tasks around the house helps their development. By having plastic tableware it avoids accidents. Good job. 

Task completed. 

“Let’s dig in.”

Klee enjoyed the food and also became happy talking about her day. It is now 9:00 PM, Klee’s bed time is approaching. 

>> Fast forward two years and six months. 2:08 PM. Lab. Log resumes.

“ALBEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Klee has barged in. Check for damages. 

“Klee! Are you okay?”

Analysis started. Turn the subject around. Do it again. Pat her arms. 

Analysis completed, no damages taken. 

“Goal: Protect Klee” is unaffected. 

“Thank the archons you’re not hurt. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you did.”

“You worry too much, Albedo! Klee is a big girl now!”

This is a lie. Klee is 5 years and two months old. 

“What did you want to tell me?”

“Well! I went out to test my bombs and they’re a success!! I even added my own notes to mommy’s instructions! I can’t wait to show her! But I know I won’t be able too yet, so I wanted to show you since you’re the next best thing!” 

Klee’s ranking: Alice, Albedo, Kaeya, Razor, Amber, Sucrose, Lisa, Jean

Children are brutally honest.

Klee wants to share her bombs, you are currently busy.

Priority ranking: current experiment, Klee

Priority ranking: changed. 

“Haha, alright sunshine. Let’s go.”

“You’re not busy?”

“It can wait. Oh but first, can you give me the feather on your hat?”

“Sure!! What for?”

You’ve obtained Klee’s feather.

You’ve modified it successfully.

“I’m gonna let you test out your bombs more, and also conduct your own experiments. This will let me take care of you while we’re not together. If anything happens, tap it twice and i’ll be right there.”

“Woah! Thanks Albedo!! Now let’s go.”

Klee is happy. 

Goal. “Protect Klee” is affected positively.

I’m happy. 

>> Fast forward. Two days later. 11:08 AM. Lab. Log resumes. 

“Timaeus will be joining me in my journey in Dragonspine. Sucrose, I trust that you’ll take good care of the shop.”

“O-of course Albedo!” 

Sucrose seems to be pondering about something.

I decide to not pry, for it is none of my business.

“We’ll get going now.”

>> Fast forward. 1:26 PM. Dragonspine. Log resumes.

My sketch of the hillichurls dancing is complete. 

Peaceful time interrupted, the hillichurls seem to have noticed people and are now attacking them. Shame. 

It appears that Sister Rosaria was one of them.

“We met a girl in mondstadt, Sucrose! She said you were stuck with your research!”

“Then you must be the honorary knight, all of mondstadt is talking about you.”

They truly interest me. My research will benefit greatly with their cooperation. 

New relationship with: Honorary Knight

New relationship with: Paimon

New tasks: run tests with the pair. 

>> Fast forward, 1 minute. Dragonspine, Log Resumes.

“Paimon’s got a brain! But what is the seed gonna become?”

“Well if it turns into a fruit, then dinners on me.”

“Yay!! I’m holding you to it!”

“You seem to be able to look through Paimon easily.”

“Ah… let’s just say i have to take care of a child occasionally. One of the non-alchemy related disciplines i'm good at.”

Klee reminder.

Check on Klee.

Checking… 

Klee is with Razor, they’re hunting.

Klee is safe. 

“You okay there Albedo?”

“Ah yes, apologies. I just zoned out for a bit.” 

Commence tests.

Fight against slimes. Successful.

Potion. No notable changes.

Willpower. Failed. 

I’m hungry.

Cooking test. Average outcome, but they seem good at cooking. 

Vision test. Average.

Reaching the goal. Successful. Better than the average citizen. 

This brings new questions. Unlimited possibilities

Paimon interrupted. 

Commence intelligence test. Successful! 

“Thank you for your work, this is really useful. Come see me again tomorrow.”

“Bye Albedo!”

New task: clean up and organize today's research.

Task complete.

Check on Klee.

Klee is with Captain Kaeya, she’s braiding his hair. 

Klee is safe. 

Entering night mode. 

>> Fast forward. Next day, 11:45 AM. Dragonspine Camp. Log resumes

“Hi Albedo!”

“Hm? Oh, honorary knight, Paimon, why are you here? Never mind, catch.”

Action completed: give the sword to the traveler in an aggressive manner. 

“You into forging or what? Didn’t take you for the blacksmith type.”

Action completed: explained the origin of the sword. 

We ran some more tests, but we got ambushed by treasure hoarders. 

>> Fast forward. 6 PM. Dragonspine Camp. Log resumes

Klee notification: Klee has stood in front of the lab for 15 seconds.

New task: Spend time with klee

“I’ll do that later.”

Overwriting priorities…

Albedo priority ranking: Research, Klee.

>> Fast forward. One hour and thirty minutes later. 7:30 PM. Dragonspine Lab.

“I’m not making progress…”

Checking on Klee

Klee last location: Dragonspine

“What?! Why is she here?”

Now guiding too: Klee’s location

>> Fast forward. Ten minutes later. 7:40 PM. Dragonspine. Log resumes

There’s a backpack on the ground

Action completed: Lift the backpack

Klee: Pulse stopped two hours ago. Cause of death: Frostbite.

“KLEE!”

Action completed: yell

Goal: “Protect Klee” failed.

System status: Overwhelmed

Calling Alice

“Albedo? It’s so late here why did you- Is… is that Klee?!”

System status: unresponsive

“...”

“Albedo- you… you prioritize your research over klee? Why? Why? Why?”

“Main goal failed, commencing shutdown.”

“What?! No! NO! Cancel! Overwrite! Main goal! Go to mondstadt!! Please! Albedo! I can’t lose both of you…”

Action performed: Hug klee

Self destruction in 3… 2… 1…

“ALBE-”

Can’t fast forward. Log ended. 

you achieved the true ending | gaaaah it wouldnt let me copy the format from the doc so i apologize if its wrong

masterlist for thsi au

[gumnut-logic]

We’ll Be Home For Christmas 5.3 (Bit 2) + Epilogue

From here | 5.2 Bit 1 | 5.2 Bit 2 | 5.2 Bit 3 | 5.3 Bit 1 | 5.3 Bit 2 + Epilogue

IT’S FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!

::dances around the room like a loon::

Finished before next Christmas! Woohoo!

This fic is my @tagsecretsanta​​​ fic for 2019 and it is for @scattergraph​​​ .

AND IT IS FINISHED!!!! 68,000 words! My longest Thunderbirds fic!

Many, many thanks for @onereyofstarlight​ who geeked out with me major league on this fic and helped me with research (oh, there was soooo much research for this fic - so much I plan to post about it all in a separate post once I’ve archived this monster) and reading through whatever I came up with and cheerleading :D Also, many thanks to @scribbles97​  @i-am-chidorixblossom​  and @vegetacide​ who also put up with all my crazy and wibblies and for reading through when I scream at random times ‘Does this work or it is crud?’ And, of course, to Thunderfam, who have taken this crazy whale fic on and cheered me to the finish line. Thank you alll sooo much ::hugs for everybody:: Yes, I’m a little excited. To start is fun, but to finish is ecstacy - I had that on my studio wall for a long time :D

Spoilers and warnings: A little Virgil/Kayo, a little Scott/Mel and a lot of brotherly fluff.

I hope you enjoy this last bit of the Kermadec Fic :D

-o-o-o-

Gordon had half expected Kayo’s call. Virgil had been fidgety all day. Scott had pulled Gordon aside at one point and expressed his concern, but there was nothing they could really do until Virgil made his move. Pushing him into anything would have gotten them nowhere. Virgil could be the most stubborn of them all. So, they sat back and waited, gave Virg his space and watched.

Trust Tin to kick his ass into shape.

From the moment Tin kissed Virgil it was a matter of countdown. Gordon had even dragged himself out of the pool, downed a coffee and poked Sam awake.

It wasn’t planned or conspired, just inevitable.

Sam guzzled a coffee beside him.

“You think he’ll talk to us.”

“I think he won’t have a choice. You don’t say ‘no’ to Kayo.”

“So, they’re a thing now?”

Gordon shrugged. “I don’t know. I do know he has a thing for her. He tries to hide these things but we’re family.” Which was why Gordon and the rest of the family knew there was something not right with the second eldest. He had been foggy, daydreaming and not-all-there since he had walked in so late this morning.

So, it was with both eagerness and a little dread that he stepped out onto Two’s runway, tablet in hand, and with a little hope that this could be the start of a healing process for his brother.

Tin was standing close with Virgil and Gordon’s heart warmed at the sight. His brother didn’t stand a hope.

That heart stuttered a moment later as his sister made her departure with those three words that implied possible death if Gordon didn’t look after his brother.

“Now, that’s a little scary.” And somewhat terrifying. Pranking Virgil from this point onwards may include having to cater to Kayo kicking his ass in retaliation.

He swallowed. Well, whatever made his bro happy.

Virgil straightened where he stood, determination in every line. “We need to talk.”

Gordon reflexively parroted his brother’s stance, his spine whipping to attention. Virgil may not be military, but his passion demanded respect.

“Then speak to me, bro.”

Virgil sighed and despite that determination, his shoulders shifted down a little. “I need information.” He turned to Sam. “Can you help me?”

“I can certainly try.” Sam had none of his usual bouncy enthusiasm. Something in Virgil’s agitation was communicating the seriousness of the situation.

“How do whales communicate?”

Sam opened his mouth and there began Whale Communication 101 with a minor in whale anatomy.

Sam was concise, but comprehensive. He’d obviously refreshed his knowledge overnight and even Gordon learnt a few new things.

They ended up perched on a circle of rocks under one of the palm trees, Virgil’s dark eyes fixated on Sam as he answered every question Virgil threw at him.

And there were many. How did their sonar work? What frequencies did humpback whales use to sing? What research has been done in this area? Had anyone been able to actually communicate before?

“No.” Sam’s voice was firm.

“Not even other musicians?” Virgil stared at him.

Sam shook his head. “They were all ignored.”

“What about using the right frequencies?”

Sam shook his head again. “You’re the first.” His friend bit his lip. “What is it like?”

There was suddenly a vulnerability in Virgil’s eyes that had Gordon wanting to stop this, stop this immediately, and he had to restrain himself. Virgil needed to talk it through.

“I…it’s…hard to describe.” An exasperated exhale. “In fact, that is the hardest of all of this. I can’t…express it. The colours, the shapes, the emotion…it’s all there, in my head, but I can’t articulate it, I can’t understand it, it’s just…a mess.”

Gordon’s eyes widened as Virgil waved a frustrated hand at nothing in particular, his focus drifting for just a second as his thoughts turned inward. The hand landed on his thigh and Gordon eyed those fingers as they desperately tapped out a beat on his brother’s jeans.

“Colours? Whales don’t see in colour. They don’t have the physical capability.” Sam’s eyes were as wide as Gordon’s, staring at Virgil.

His brother’s head snapped up. “Yes, they do.”

“No, they don’t. They don’t have the required cone cells in their retinas. They see in monochrome.” Sam was leaning forward.

“No, they see colour.” Virgil’s eyes focussed inward again. “So many shades of blue, green, the hot pink of exuberance, the yellow of warm sunshine, the deep midnight of sadness, the rainbow of sunset on cooling skin, white of pain, grey of threat…the black of loss. So many colours.” Virgil turned away and looked out into the caldera a moment before turning back and pinning Sam with his eyes. “It’s in the sound. You have to listen to the music.” To Gordon’s astonishment, Virgil sung a handful of notes only to break off and frown, yet again in frustration. “But I can’t…!” Virgil’s hands balled into fists.

Sam was staring wild eyed. “You can understand them?”

“Yes! No! Hell, I don’t know!”

Gordon reached out and placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “Hey, take a breath. We have time. We can work this out.”

Troubled brown eyes latched onto his. “It’s in my head, Gordy, and I can’t get it out. I can’t sing it, I can’t paint it, I can’t express it, I can’t even understand it! It’s just…argh!” He clutched at his face, his fingers tangling in his hair.

“Virgil!” Gordon grabbed his brother’s arms and gently pulled them away from his head. “We’ll work this out. You’re not alone.” He drew in a breath. “Never alone.”

To Gordon’s horror, tears glistened in Virgil’s eyes as he stared back at him. The whales suddenly became a threat to Gordon’s family and he had the urge to protect his big brother from whatever the hell it was they were doing to him.

A window into Scott’s world was never clearer.

But Virgil composed himself. Voice rough. “It’s okay, Gords.” A dragged in breath. “I’m okay.”

Gordon’s grip on Virgil’s wrists just got tighter. “Are you kidding me? You have the t-shirt, but that is total bullshit.”

“Gordon-“

“No. They’ve gotten into your head and good or bad we are going to work through this until you are ‘okay’, okay?”

Virgil sighed and looked down before frowning at him again. “How?”

Sam cut in and Gordon startled. He had almost forgotten his friend was there. “Talk to the whales.” Virgil’s eyes hit the man and Sam’s voice became pleading. “Explain it to them. Ask them. Learn from them. Get more information and we can work it out. The more information we have the better we can understand it.” Sam’s passion rose to the surface. “This is a massive breakthrough, Virgil. You can interpret another species language.”

“No, I can’t. That is the problem, Sam.”

His friend’s pale blue-green eyes didn’t back down. “Yes, you can. Partially at least. You’ve said the words yourself. You’ve labelled colours. You’ve spoken of emotions and intent. You are communicating, Virgil.” If it was possible, the intensity in Sam’s eyes just lit up more. “And they know it. They sought you out. They responded. They know you. You’ve made a connection.”

Gordon let Virgil’s wrists go and his brother dropped his hands in his lap. “Virg, we’ve got this. John is on it. We have the technology; we have Sam and Mel and you have all of us. We can do this. Give yourself the chance.”

Those brown eyes fixated back on Gordon and the vulnerability was back. Hell, Gordon would do anything to protect his brother. Anything. “We’ve got this, Virg. Trust me.”

“I do, Gords. Always have.”

“Then let’s do this.”

The familiar phrase rang between them and Virgil responded, his body straightening where he sat. Voice still rough. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“FAB.”

-o-o-o-

Scott stood on the end of the main balcony peering out towards Two’s runway at the three figures sitting under the palm trees.

He bit his lip.

Mel was still asleep on the lounger. He should have stayed with her, but he was edgy and worried about his brother.

Kayo had walked through the comms room sometime earlier and the expression on her face made it plain that Virgil was speaking to Gordon and Sam. A long due discussion.

His brother, the whale whisperer. The whole concept was ridiculous, but apparently a thing.

“What the hell?!”

Scott jumped and Mel rolled over and off the lounger she was lying on. Scott hurried over to help her up. “Alan!”

But the young astronaut ignored him, shooting up from where he was sitting on one of the couches and dashed to end of the balcony where Scott had been standing a moment before. His game console hung from one hand. “John, you are dead!”

“What?” John’s voice wafted up from the pool deck below. “What did I do?!”

“You strip mined my sun!”

“What? No, I didn’t. How do you strip mine a sun?”

“What’s going on?” Mel frowned up at him. She was adorably mussed and dopey looking. He couldn’t help but kiss her hair.

“Hey, Dimples. Focus.” She smiled up at him.

“Oh, okay.” So, he focussed on kissing her thoroughly.

Her hand fluttered against his shoulder a moment before he gained her full attention and…hmmm.

Another squawk of anger from his youngest brother. “A black hole?! You ignited a black hole! You asshole!”

“Alan!” Grandma’s voice stabbed in from below somewhere and snapped Scott out of his pre-occupation.

Mel grinned up at him as he pulled away in automated embarrassment.

“It’s not fair, Grandma, he cheated!”

“That does not excuse your language, young man. We have guests!”

“I did not cheat.”

Really, did they have to yell across levels?

“It’s a black hole, John! You sucked in my entire solar system. If you don’t stop it, you’re going to take out the whole damn galaxy!”

“Alan!” This time it was Scott admonishing him.

“It’s not fair!”

John’s voice was puzzled. “I didn’t do that.” A scuffle of shoes on concrete and the scrape of a lounger. “Hell, I didn’t do any of that. Alan, did you set off a supernova in sector seventeen?”

“Seventeen? I haven’t even been to seventeen.” Alan glared at his game console. “You’re in seventeen already?!”

“I was. A supernova obliterated my base.”

“Well, I didn’t do it.”

Scott bit back an emerging grin. Oh, shit.

“This is impossible.” It was distracted and a sure sign John was poking into code.

He let the grin out and gave it a countdown from five.

“Virgil!”

-o-o-o-

The discussion about whales came to an abrupt and yelling-infused end as Alan jumped on comms and gave his engineer brother a piece of his mind.

John was less exuberant and ever so curious as to how Virgil had managed to not only enter the game without either John or Alan noticing, but then catch up, overtake and obliterate, all within the rules.

Virgil was glad it wasn’t initially a visual signal and only Gordon and Sam got to see his smirk when he answered that it was ‘for him to know and his space brothers to find out’.

John would, no doubt, take that as a challenge.

Alan would probably just take a note out of Gordon’s book and stick jello in his bed sheets in revenge.

The arched eyebrow on Gordon’s face was amusing.

But most of all, at John and Alan’s expense, Virgil felt the pall lifting. It was a pall he hadn’t even been aware was there. Sure, he was tired and the whale song was frustrating, but it had been a good day.

It was the heavy conversation, the focus on the issue and the confusion in his head.

It was Christmas, for crying out loud.

Theoretically, he had just kicked both his space brothers’ butt at the game they were all so cocky over. Well, technically he had simply asked Eos to act in his stead. He had taken one look at the game on his tablet that afternoon on Raoul, worked out a basic strategy, then asked Eos to sneak in and execute it for him.

He hadn’t asked her to hide it from anyone. Just to not mention it unless someone asked.

Eos really did love a good game after all.

And it wasn’t cheating if he was just smart enough to appoint a proxy who could do the job for him.

He’d even asked Eos to backup the game as it was before she entered so the entire scenario could be saved for his brothers to tackle again once he and Eos had taught them a lesson.

Virgil was quite chuffed when it took John a whole fifteen minutes to decipher exactly what had happened.

“Virgil!”

His red-haired brother was glaring at him across the comms room, fit to blow a circuit. “You coerced Eos?!”

A shrug. “No? She was bored. Gave her something to do, that’s all.” He relaxed back against the lounge. Kay found an excuse to join him and he was ever so appreciative when her hand crept into his.

“Eos!”

“I don’t know what the problem is, John. It was fun.” She snorted. Apparently, their AI could snort. “It is what you programmed me to do, after all. Virgil asked and I agreed.”

John opened his mouth, but nothing further came out for a full five seconds. Then, determinedly at the ceiling. “We will be discussing this.”

“We will? I’m looking forward to it. You should see how easy it is to strip mine a sun. The amount of energy I gained was extremely efficient and it allowed me to advance at a pace neither of you seem to have achieved. I have also developed some real-world models that you might be interested in. Application would have to be postponed until interstellar transport has been achieved. Though I have some thoughts on that as well. I would be very interested in what you think of these equations.” A bunch of numbers and symbols appeared in the centre of the comms room. “I’m not sure the energy expenditure variable is viable, however we could leverage this with some assistance from our own sun.” And she kept throwing out ideas that widened John’s eyes enough to dry them out and send them bloodshot.

Eos stopped eventually, possibly sensing an imminent explosion from her father. John was glaring daggers at Virgil.

Virgil shrugged. “She enjoyed it.”

John’s expression was somewhat comical and it was enough to set off Alan, who burst into laughter. Gordon was grinning like a loon as was Scott and Virgil found himself joining them.

John glared at all of them before settling into one of the lounges, tablet still in hand with more amused disgruntlement than anger on his face.

Maybe Virgil had to worry about jello from John’s direction rather than Alan’s?

-o-o-o-

The evening meal was a relaxed one.

Scott dragged out the barbecue and a variety of meat was charred on its hotplate. Virgil stood up to cook, as that was usually his task, but Sam shoo-ed him away and after taking one look at what Scott was attempting to do with the food, kicked him off the Tracy grill as well.

They were all the better for it.

Salads, desserts and even a bowl of marshmallows found their way out onto the patio.

Good food and good company, it was a lovely night as the sun headed towards the horizon on the other side of the Island.

Virgil sat on the edge of conversation, willing to just watch his beloved family. His brothers who had done so much just to get him home. God, he loved them.

Scott sat with his arm around Mel more relaxed than he had seen him in months. Gordon had tinsel in his hair and was chasing Sherbet around the pool, apparently trying to decorate him, too. Alan had cornered Elspeth again and was chatting away a mile a minute. Regardless, she appeared fully invested in what he was saying.

John was glaring at his tablet, no doubt attempting to out thwart Eos. Now that would be the match of the millennium. Genius father versus AI daughter. Virgil had the urge to step back just in case something exploded.

And sitting beside him was Kay, who wasn’t interested in Wayne Rigby. Kay, who smiled at him with her beautiful green eyes.

Again, the song for that colour danced in his mind.

He squeezed her hand, rolled himself off his lounger and stumbled to his feet.

Oh, so elegant, Virgil. An internal sigh as every eye in the room targeted him.

“I’m fine.”

Scott grabbed a marshmallow and threw it at him.

It left a puff of icing sugar in the middle of his chest.

Gordon snorted and Alan giggled.

Virgil rolled his eyes. “The bathroom, guys, yeesh.” He turned and trundled himself back towards the house.

“Have fun!”

He didn’t even bother to turn around. “Hilarious, Gordon.”

“You’re welcome.”

He didn’t bother to even acknowledge that.

He didn’t return to the party immediately. The ocean caught his eye and he had the irresistible need to climb down to the shore.

His brothers didn’t comment as he walked straight past them and down towards the huts, but he felt their eyes.

Really, he couldn’t blame them. He had scared them and then done a number with the whales. He owed them so much.

Something lodged in his throat and he had to swallow emotion.

His feet hit volcanic sand and sunk, grains slipping between his toes. The lagoon lapped gently at the edge of the beach. It was such a contrast to the roaring ocean of Oneraki on Raoul. There were no hot springs here, the Tracy Island volcano was long dead, thankfully. This beach was his beach. Volcanic sand marbled with coral sand and he traced the pattern with his toe.

There was a sound for sand and it was both beautiful and terrifying.

The colours were a kaleidoscope of meaning.

He let a breath out and raised his eyes towards the darkening horizon.

“Virgil?” Are you okay?

He closed his eyes.

Scott.

Another breath and he turned to face his brother. “No. I’m not. But I will be. I promise.” A half smile. “In the meantime, I’m thankful, grateful and ever so lucky. My family is more than I could ever ask for.”

That stopped his brother in his tracks and Virgil found himself smiling.

“Uh, John wanted me to give you this.” Scott held up a tablet.

John’s tablet.

John never let that out of his sight.

Scott approached and touched the device. A world globe appeared above it. Another twitch of fingers and it zoomed into the map far to the south of Tracy Island where a dot blinked. “John wanted you to know that he and Eos are tracking the mother and calf.” A swipe and Scott zoomed in even further, the tablet obviously connected to Five.

Sunset lit waves were interrupted by a spout of water and he watched as ever so far away, Mamma Whale took a breath followed by her daughter before dipping below the waves.

Virgil sucked in a breath and looked up at his brother.

Scott’s smile was soft but said everything.

God, he was ever so lucky.

Virgil turned away towards the lagoon and its gentle waters and blinked.

“Thank you.”

Scott didn’t answer, but a hand did land on his shoulder and Virgil took the opportunity to just exist beside his brother, on his beach with his family…

Here on Tracy Island.

-o-o-o-

  Epilogue: The Skipper

 It was late at night on Christmas Day and most of the family and their guests had retired to bed. Scott was intending on doing the same when he noticed light under the infirmary door.

Concerned that Virgil might be hiding something, he nudged the door open.

He was surprised to find Grandma staring at a hologram, her back to him.

“Grandma?”

She jumped. “Oh, Scott. Give me a heart attack why don’t you?”

The hologram disappeared.

“What’s wrong?” He frowned at her. His grandmother had been acting odd all day. Not obviously, but he knew his grandmother, something was worrying her.

To find her here, of all places, past midnight on Christmas Day…

“It’s nothing, dear. Just looking for some paracetamol for a bit of a headache.”

He stepped inside the room and shut the door behind him. “Grandma, you are as bad at it as Virgil is.”

“At what?”

“Lying.”

“Scott Tracy, how dare you.”

He narrowed his frown. “Grandma…”

She glared at him for several seconds before his glare won out. Her shoulders dropped. “You are far too much like your father for your own good, Scott.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” When she still didn’t answer his initial question, he repeated it. “What is wrong, Grandma?”

She sighed. “It’s probably nothing.”

Why was she so reluctant? “Grandma…”

Another defiant glare, but she poked at the holographic controls. “This is between you and me or I’ll cook for you exclusively for the next three years, you hear me?”

“Yes, Grandma.” But his eyes were already tracking across the hologram. A mass of wriggly lines hovered in front of him. It reminded him of a seismograph readout or one of Alan’s games stats graphs he liked to show off. It meant about just as much to him as the latter.

It had Virgil ‘s name written above it.

He didn’t have to ask.

“I did a brainwave scan when I assessed Virgil yesterday. This was the result.” She pointed at the mess of lines. “I compared it to his last scan.” She poked the hologram again and another bunch of wiggly lines appeared beside the first. It meant little to him, but undoubtedly something to his medical grandmother.

“And?”

She eyed him a moment before prodding several of the lines to highlight them. “There are differences.”

“Fluctuations?”

“No. Differences. Something has changed.”

“What has changed?”

She didn’t answer immediately and he received the impression that she didn’t want to commit to answering. “Grandma, if this is something to be concerned about, I need to know. Virgil needs to know.”

She turned to look at him. “It may be nothing.”

“But it is bothering you.”

She sighed. “There are changes in both his delta and beta wave production.”

“What does that mean?”

“Not much.”

“Grandma!”

“Scott, changes can be perfectly normal.”

“Then why is this bothering you?”

“Because John sent me Eos’ research.” She swiped at the hologram again and Eos’ graph detailing the similarities between Virgil’s delta wave production and that of the binaural beat produced by the whale song. “The delta waves matched, which leads me to believe where it started, but look at the beta wave production before the whales and after.” She highlighted the data and Scott stared at it.

The changes were obvious.

“What does it mean?”

“I’m not a neural specialist, Scott.”

“Then why aren’t we sending him to one?”

“It may be nothing.”

“It is obviously something!”

“Scott. There is no sign of impairment.”

“Except he’s talking to whales!”

She held up her hands. “Calm down. It is minor.”

“It doesn’t look minor.”

“And this is exactly why I haven’t mentioned it. I need to do some further investigation before I alarm anyone.”

Too late.

She might as well have heard as she turned to look up at him. “Scott, trust me. I will investigate. I have contacts. I will be discreet.”

He stared at her. “Grandma…”

Her glare was firm. “Trust me.”

Why was everyone asking him to do that lately? It was so damn hard to give the reins to others.

Her hand landed on his arm. “I love him as much as you do.”

Damnit.

He deflated just a little. “I know.”

“I will ask some questions. The answers will let us know if we need to investigate further.”

Her hand squeezed his arm and her eyes held his that moment longer.

He had no choice. “Yes, Grandma.”

“I will keep you advised.”

“Thank you.” He held her eyes a moment longer and he saw the worry in their depths.

“Go to bed, Scott.” He felt her urge for him not to worry, but her lack of saying proved she knew she would be wasting her breath.

“Yes, Grandma.”

She squeezed his arm again before pulling him into a gentle hug. “It will be okay, honey.”

He bit his lip and held her. He closed his eyes for just a moment.

“Yes, Grandma.”

She let him go and gave him a nudge towards the door.

His fingers drifted over her arm. A glance at the blasted hologram and he turned and left.

Mel was smiling at him when he arrived in his room and for a few moments he lost himself in her embrace.

“What’s wrong?” She frowned up at him.

He smiled. “Nothing.”

Her fingers ran tracks through his hair and she challenged him with her eyes. “Dimples?”

He smiled again and took her lips with his own.

He didn’t want to talk.

At all.

-o-o-o-

FIN.

[atinykidult]

A War Against Your Personal Space — Jung Wooyoung

[prompt request] [1900 words] — spy!au, enemies to lovers, “Hold your fire!”/”Suck on that!”/”Shut up for a second, will you?”/”I don’t even know why we’re doing this.”

[content notes] [fluff] — There’s firearms, cussing, respectively dramatic/knowing Seongsang, endearingly annoying Wooyoung, competition, red cheeks, a lowkey cliche but satisfying(?) premise, etc., etc.

[a/n] — I’m so sorry if the lack of action is disappointing! I’m not great at it, so I focused on the recon/practice/snarky/non-fabulous aspects of the Spy!au. But there’s still plenty of aggression haha Thank you for reading! <3

.

Jung Wooyoung is a piece of shit.

That’s the only thing you can think as you continuously fire at the moving targets.

Bang, bang, bang!

Next to you, he’s doing the same.

(That is, firing at the targets. The shithead probably doesn’t even have thoughts in his head, and, therefore cannot be thinking.)

You’re doing well until you miss one target on your non-dominant side.

You aim more carefully and—

Bang!

Next to you, Wooyoung’s looking at you with an infuriatingly cocky smirk.

“You took my target!” you growl at him, angrily tearing off your ear protection.

He gives you a look. “And you missed!”

You let out a screech of anger, and without thinking do the one thing every firearm safety instructor says not to do:

You point your gun at your teammate.

His eyes are still sparkling with competition and mischief as he raises his hands. “Hold your fire,” he says almost lazily. (Your eyes keep getting drawn back to the damn smirk on his lips.)

Annoyance courses through you like a migraine.

Your hand’s itching to cock and fire.

Sadly, you would be in loads of trouble and job searching if you did.

So you drop the gun and walk away. Let him clean up.

You’re almost out the room when you hear him.

“I knew you wouldn’t! You love me way too much for that!”

“Asshole!”

Then you’re out of earshot, and Yeosang’s dry voice echoes over the intercom.

“You know, I wouldn’t have blamed them if they’d done it.”

“Hey!”

“It was their shot. And we both know they could have gotten it. You just wanted to show off.”

Your pride’s still smarting two days after the firing range incident because it was true you had missed.

But, still.

As you walk into work a few days later, everyone’s gathered around the whiteboard.

“Y/N! Congrats!”

With that, you know you’re employee of the month.

Yeosang’s smile is a little knowing as you join him in the center of the crowd.

There’s your name on the board, with the most votes collected.

“Your last case was really, really good!” someone comments.

Giving your thanks over your shoulder, you’re looking over who voted for you when you reach it.

The reason why Yeosang has that shit-eating grin on his face.

“It really was a pristine field mission,” a sugar sweet voice whispers in your ear. “So exquisitely done.”

You force your face to be emotionless. “Morning, asshole.” 

“Morning, sore loser.”

(That’s been your nickname for the last two days.)

“But, very clearly, I’m the winner.” You nod to the board. “For the whole month. So suck on that!”

“Oh, yes. You’re welcome, by the way.”

Yeosang’s judgmental gaze reminds you that Wooyoung is still standing too close to you, that his warm breath is still fanning over your ear. That your cheeks are burning with anger.

Was he in a war against your personal space or something?

You storm out of the circle, trying to keep your blood pressure to a reasonable level.

.

When you’re sorting through files with Yeosang later that day, you’re ranting about Wooyoung.

Eventually, he must get fed up with it.

“I know something you don’t,” he singsongs, casually dropping a folder on your side of the desk.

His expression, for what feels like the millionth time this week, is annoyingly knowing. Like he’s watching a friend push the door that says pull.

Because he’s just that kind of person, you grouch to yourself.

“...And what would that be?”

He glances at the folder he just tossed down.

Snatching it up, you find a single page of infuriating news.

“I am not working with that infantile, ridiculous, shit-for-brains—”

“I see you got the memo, too.”

And, within eight seconds, three things happen:

Wooyoung and his damn smirk materialize next to your desk.

Yeosang and his faux sweet grin leave the space next to you.

And you lose your highly annoying but perfectly lovely filing-help to the utterly disappointing replacement of Jung Wooyoung.

The disappointing replacement leans back and throws an arm around you. “I’m looking forward to working with you, partner.”

You groan and shrug his arm off.

.

“Of course you both have to do it! We picked our two prettiest agents! For this level of case, you really should blend in after all.”

“Seonghwa, sir,” you seethe, “literally any other person in this whole building is prettier than Wooyoung.”

“Do you really believe that?”

Both men level a searching gaze at you. Seonghwa’s is more analytical, and you avoid it. But that means you end up staring at Wooyoung’s for a moment too long.

You both look away at the same time.

“Anyways.” You swallow. “You’re absolutely sure?”

“Y/N.” Seonghwa’s using his director’s voice; now you’re in for it. “You’re staking out the bars where all the pretty movie stars spend their evenings and get drunk, and find nice, also pretty companions for the night, and…”

You don’t know why you glance at Wooyoung when Seonghwa’s saying that. But you do.

You’re surprised to see him already looking at you.

“...So, yes, I’m sure you have to do it. And yes, I truly mean both of you.”

Realizing your cheeks are burning (a common theme recently), you stand abruptly. “Fine.”

Wooyoung has a triumphant grin on his face and copies you. “Fine!”

Seonghwa waits until you’ve both left his office when he texts Yeosang:

I did it T-T I convinced them they’re both prettier than me

u mean u took the first step at getting them past their rivalry?

At the cost of my self-esteem T-T

.

You spend the first four days doing research, where you try (and fail) to keep things peaceful by ignoring him.

Just email the link, even though he’s sitting next to you.

Just scribble down your thought on a sticky note.

Just ignore him when he bothers you.

Just! Ignore him! Especially when he bothers you.

“I’m telling you!” you finally shout. “If you actually read your contract you would have realized that your fucking lunch break—”

“Okay, okay!” he surrenders, grinning like he’s the one who won.

A few people look over at you, and as you realize this, you also realize how Wooyoung had propped against your side of the table in his ever-constant war against your personal space.

“Sit up and act like you’re a half-functional adult,” you snap.

“I’m not the one who shouted. But yes, ma’am.”

You bite your lip at the way her purrs the last words.

Don’t kill him, don’t kill him, don’t pull out the knife… you remind yourself.

So, it’s sad but true that some days you feel like you fail more than you succeed.

But you can’t be too angry when you realize at the end of day four:

“I can’t believe it. We have a whole case proposal — names, proofs, dates, everything,” you murmur, proudly scrolling down the document.

“All we’ll have to do is actually plan the operation and pick out our outfits,” Wooyoung agrees.

“Which is basically nothing since we have all of next week!”

“This is true.”

The euphoria a doing good work washes over you, and you can’t help but beam at him. “It should have taken way longer.”

"I know! We’re—” He snaps his mouth shut, shaking his head as though his words were unimportant.

To be honest, you feel fond of him as he just smiles softly. (He actually has a really nice smile, you notice.)

Then the moment passes, and you turn back to the computer.

(But he keeps looking at you.)

.

Wooyoung’s sitting down for lunch with Yeosang when the latter blurts: “You had stars in your eyes earlier. With Y/N.”

“You think I don’t know it?” he groans.

Yeosang pulls out his phone a few minutes later:

fuck i almost let it slip that we were watching them earlier but i dont think wy noticed bc hes oblivious as a rock

.

Only one hour after that, Wooyoung and you receive the worst possible news.

Which leads to you finding yourselves in an empty office at 11 that night.

“Fuuuu-uh-uuuuck,” groans Wooyoung.

You tiredly rub your eyes and kill all your tabs.

“My brain... is just… fuuuuck.”

Inclined to agree, you open a new window with slow, depressed typing.

“I can’t believe Seonghwa thought we could go in tomorrow. Tomorrow, Y/N! Why tomorrow?”

The screen doesn’t change for a good ten seconds. What were you even thinking again?

“I haven’t pulled a night this late ever! Besides field jobs obviously. But for those you’re doing something, and here we’re doing basically nothing, and I wish we were doing something—”

You draw circles on the screen with your mouse. What even were you thinking... it was a thought… it existed...

“And this is a form of abuse! I swear! If Yeosang somehow got Seonghwa to do this to us just because ‘you had stars in your eyes,’ I’m going to fucking—”

“Shut up for a second, will you?” you moan.

“...Make me.” His voice is sounds different from tiredness.

“Never heard that one before.”

“Please make me?”

There’s something in his tone that catches your attention.

When you give him an incredulous look, you find him looking at your lips. And you’re so exhausted you literally can’t process. (As you head home about fifteen minutes later, you start to process. And you realize you hadn’t hated it at all.)

“Let’s go home,” you suggest quietly. “I don’t even know why we’re doing this.”

(As you step inside your house, the rational side of you wonders what would have happened if you had stayed.)

At some point, he moves very close to you.

(He finally won his war against your personal space, you realize as you brush your teeth.)

Very close.

(Capping your lip balm container, you press your lips together and recall how his felt, pressed against yours. So softly, at least for your perception of Wooyoung. So skillfully, which does match your perception of him.)

His face is still close, but now he’s looking into your eyes.

(He has very pretty eyes; you picture them as you slip under your blankets.)

“Let’s go home,” you repeat breathlessly, “and deal with this all tomorrow.”

His hands, callused and controlled thanks to your profession, rest gently on your neck.

“Do you think all of this… All of this will work out?”

His voice is like starlight, wavering and hopeful and the sole brightness in the dark office.

“I think there’s a very good chance that this all will work out.”

(As your head hits the pillow, you look forward to the next day. Sure, Seonghwa’s going to throw a fit because you’re not ready for a case tomorrow. But you’re really looking forward to working everything out. Everything.)

.

[general ateez taglist] — @s1ardusk​ @seongghwaa​ (thank you so much for your sweet support/friendship! <3)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

[hayesit]

matt’s 2019 year in review

here it is! and it’s late because i had other/better things to do (and procrastinating), was recovering from hangovers (also procrastinating), and recovering from being sick (procrastinating).

i’ve been doing these year in review posts since 2016, so here is my fourth installment. every year i look back through my google calendar, my camera roll, and my bullet journal as a gratitude exercise and to chart my own development as an adult. 

here is my spotify wrapped 2019!

the beginning of this year was off to a good start: i met two friends that i know through the internet! i met my friend riley when she visited boston (i met her through a mutual friend and through overwatch league twitter) and my friend jimmy that i’ve known for…. 6 or 7 years (?!) through tumblr and designed the logo for me and alex’s late podcast, hardly tea, may she rest in peace. 

i moved dorm rooms in between the fall and spring semester, and once again i was not happy with where i lived. i lived with 4 rando’s that i was placed with and the 5 of us barely even talked with each other. my direct roommate i saw for only two weeks, and for the nights he slept over in the bed (that he was paying room and board for) and had the worst snoring humanly possible that not even earplugs could kill (video below). i hardly slept while he was there and roamed the halls of riverview suites like a ghost due to the anxiety i felt about my lack of sleep (we love a vicious circle)! he disappeared after those two weeks without notice and i lived in fear of him returning for the rest of the semester (which he didn’t), but returned to my normal sleep schedule. 

that semester was my first semester of full-time grad school. i got a poor grade on an assignment that had a note from the professor that said she knew i could do better and it hit me how much different grad school is from undergrad and how much more effort and dedication it requires. after crying in my professor’s office, my work ethic has improved since then, but it’s not anywhere near where i’d like it to be (more on that later). 

now to more positive things for the spring semester: i met some friends that semester both ~on and offline~ that made the semester far more bearable AND i did however truly pop off in every last one of my powerpoint presentations for class. i looooove making powerpoints and just fuckin telling jokes about my research topic and have ppl tell me that they are looking forward to my presentation & that i should teach college classes :)!

me and 4 friends had a social group in which we’d drink and play board games and forget about the board game and drunkenly talk shit called cabam after all our first initials! i always looked forward to that and dug the group chemistry a lot.

during this semester i grew a   “ beard “, otherwise known as i chose not to shave just to  “ see what would happen “ (praythatitfilledin). sorry about that!

the overwatch league was something that i had to look forward to watch every week and i had my experience enhanced through sideshow and avast’s unofficial companion streams, which guaranteed lots of laughs. i have bought tickets to two boston home games in 2020 which i am very excited about! analysts have predicted boston to be in 20th place this year (there are 20 teams) but i’m still excited for the 2020 season anyway!!

i can’t have a year-in-review of 2019 without mentioning game of thrones. due to the show’s final season being undeniably weak, i enjoyed the camaraderie with the other people that watched thrones during those six weeks. i haven’t thought about the show or its universe for quite a while, unfortunately. i truly was quite into the world of westeros, but the weakness of the end of the story cheapened the journey of each of the characters, in a way. such a shame.

while i got my diploma in december 2018, i walked across the stage of umass lowell’s tsongas arena with my bachelor of arts in psychology (and minor in theatre arts). it wasn’t as emotional or triumphant of an experience and just felt weird, considering i had already gotten my diploma and was going to remain in the clutches of rowdy the riverhawk as i am staying for my masters degree in applied behavior analysis/autism studies. i brought a ceramic monkey to graduation. it didn’t have any symbolism, but i just wanted to see if they’d stop me (which they didn’t)

 this summer was better than most summers of mine go, i hung out with alex nearly every weekend, got my very first iphone, and got a data plan. the combination of these three things got me back into playing pokemon go, an unexpectedly fun pastime! went on lots of walks!

my favorite day of summer was going to a lake with alex and our friend gianna, who i grew closer to after meeting her during macbeth last year. fond 2019 memories with gianna include: doing simulation patients with her, watching movies with her and alex, and the halloween party. what a great gd person and a great gd friend! big fan and eternally rooting for her. 

fire emblem: three houses came out on the switch in august and is, without a doubt, my game of the year. there’s truly so much to love about the game: the world, the characters, new changes made to the series, things that were gone but returned, interesting micromanaging, and best of all, how huge my brain feels when playing it. 

i got a 6-week summer job as a paraprofessional at an extended-school-year program for children with developmental disabilities at a preschool in haverhill which taught me a lot of lessons, such as: i hate cleaning shit off of children.

then i had feelings that didn’t make much sense for about a month! whoops!

my full-time job i currently have is working at my old high school as a behavior specialist. i provide consultation and work on programs to lead to more appropriate behavior in students, primarily ones with developmental disabilities. so far it’s been fairly rewarding, some days are more challenging than others, some days are a lot of sitting in meetings, and some days are a lot of running around. some days there is not much to do at all, which has its obvious upsides and downsides. working at the high school isn’t something that i want to do forever, but it’s a good place to start with. i’m definitely learning a lot and there are a lot of benefits to working here. sometimes i can work on my grad school work (which is all online until the 2020 summer semester) which is definitely huge. and my commute is either a 15 minute walk or 3 minutes if my mom drives me! 

a ~complex~ thing about working in my hometown is that it makes the most financial sense to live at home because it’s so close to work. this is my first time living at home full-time since high school and i’m not enjoying that part too much. most weekends i visit alex in lowell, but being stuck at home with no car (going to retake the license test in the spring when the ice melts!) and having to go to bed so early definitely hurts. sure, i have what is likely the lowest amount of expenses i’ll ever have in my life (no car-related payments, no rent, no groceries), but i feel landlocked. i feel like a teenager with minimal freedom, which is in part because my mom doesn’t quite understand yet that i’m a 22 year-old that should have a lot more freedom than i do now. the most i really do on weekdays after work gets out (2:30p) is go to savers with my mom if it’s tuesday (senior citizen day), maybe go for a walk if it’s nice out (which for most of the school year, it isn’t), or be on the computer watching bon appetit videos and playing overwatch, fire emblem, or pokemon, eat a bland dinner at 6, go to bed at around 9:30. sad! truly not a situation that i want to be trapped in that much that much longer!

i think the best and most important part of this year was becoming closer with alex. as i mentioned before, we see each other most weekends, to our great benefit. our living situations have flip-flopped, with me living at home and alex living in an apartment near campus, which in both similar and different ways have taken their respective tolls on us. having each other while going through changes and stagnations in our lives has been immeasurably important. thank you alex for providing a place to be myself other than my own head. thank you for being my best friend. 

now i come to the thing that i’m most excited about for 2020. not 2 suck my own horn but i have cobbled together a fuckin dream team of five friends (me, alex, chris, kelly, and molly). the two times we have all gotten together it has been so satisfying in such a wonderful and otherworldly way that i am filled to the brim of happiness being around them. the craziest thing is that i met chris and kelly through twitter! TWITTER. and they’re real-ass people and my real-ass friends! i haven’t been so pleased with something in my life like this for so long and it feels so good to have adult friends that i have chosen rather than friends by circumstance. it’s truly a crime that we can’t see each other more often, but we already have a day picked out for the next time we all do something together. feeling emotional writing this paragraph bc i love me gd friends so much!

there is a lot of uncertainty about this new year for me. i sure as fuck don’t want to live at home more than i have to but don’t know where to go, my practicum class starts for me this summer which means i’ll most likely have to change jobs (fine by me, but will be exhausting), i recently began my search for therapists and hope to find one soon to help me ~unpack things~, my thesis begins in the fall semester and i don’t know what to do for it, and i’m not 100% dead-set on working in special education. it’s been hard transitioning from living on campus and going to school full-time to the life i have now. 

[purewhitepages]

Desert Heat Chapter 5

Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 | Ch 4 |

A/N Hello friends am back i swear. I lost a lot of momentum on this fic due to personal reasons / school / life, but I think I’m back for good this time. I promise. 

Digging had halted at the House while further notes and sketches were taken of the lower level. John had come up with another handful of papyrus he’d found buried in the corner. These were much more fragile than the ones he’d inherited, and Claire immediately set to work preserving them in the resin of Lamb’s own recipe. She remembered spending many painstaking hours of her childhood making this same thick, sticky brown substance. The bottle she was currently working out of had the stylized “QLB” in the corner of the label, signified it was made by Lamb himself. Perhaps it was one of the last ones to be so. Her eye kept catching the letters in the bottom corner and she smiled a bit every time she saw it. He was still helping in his own ways.

She was sitting hunched over the table that functioned as John’s desk when a book being placed next to her elbow made her jump nearly clear out of her skin.

“Och, sorry lass.” A strong hand had found her back and she looked up to see the voice belonged to Mr. Fraser. Was it night time already?

“What have you got there?”

Claire blinked and shook her head slightly. “Papyrus, John found it under the House.”

“Preserving it are ye?”

She nodded.

He chuckled. “I can sympathize, manys an hour I lost to painting over bits of paper and paint.” He examined what she was doing even closer. His arm was still in the sling she had applied and she took a sort of pride knowing that he had listened to her advice to rest. “How is it that ye’re applying the resin?”

She held up her pinky finger to show how red and dirty it was. “After nearly destroying one with a brush, I found a more delicate touch did the trick.”

He looked impressed at least. “How many have you done?”

“Five, this is my last one.” She took a moment to stand. “It’s all the standard cartouches, at least according to my eye. I could never do much without Lamb’s notes to guide me.”

He smiled secretly at her. “Funny you should mention that.” He tapped the book he’d set down on the desk and Claire looked at it.

It was strange, the things you remembered. A stack of books delivered to the house when she was a child; people approaching at the museum with a sparkling look in their eye, a tome tucked under one elbow; the plain black spine with gold lettering sitting in a pile in her own tent. Mr. Fraser traced the letters on his copy of Path to the Ancient Ways by Dr. Quentin Lambert Beauchamp with familiarity and reverence.

“It’s a pity you couldn’t have met the author,” she said. “He was always happy to meet his audience.”

“Ah weel, ‘tis probably best this way. I dinna think I could bear to see my idol as a mortal man, ye ken?”

“Idol?”

Mr. Fraser met her eyes and nodded. “Aye.” He tapped the cover of the book. “When I was a lad, I was hungry for knowledge.” He gestured broadly. “No doubt ye ken the feeling. I was determined to read every book in my parents’ library.” Claire settled into the chair. She’d always loved a good story. “Now, that’s well over a thousand books, Sassenach. My family has been building that library since before they built the house.”

“I see your family has their priorities in order, then.”

He glanced up at her and nodded with a proud grin. “Aye, always loved a good book, my father. Anyway, I read and I read. Books about animals and philosophy, the latter of which I dinna understand a lick of, and then I came upon this book.” He tapped the cover once again. “And I stopped looking at anything else.” He opened up the cover and thumbed through a couple of pages absentmindedly, lost in memory. “Ye could barely catch me without it in my hands or my bag, damn near ruined my copy.”

“It looks alright to me,” Claire said, inspecting the book. Other than a few wears and tears, the book looked to be in good condition.

Mr. Fraser smiled. “This is my second copy. Damn nuisance trying to find it, too. I scoured every bookshop, old and used, looking for this book.”

Claire snorted. “You should’ve contacted us, we have probably a hundred copies.”

He nodded. “I never understood why it didna sell so well. Ye’re uncle was a genius.” Claire nodded and smiled. “Yes, he was. They just didn’t understand him.” Her smile turned sad as she looked back up at her companion. “And I saw what it did to him, how it stifled and disheartened him. I knew what he was.”

Mr. Fraser nodded. “As do I, Sassenach.”

They were soon interrupted by John coming back into the tent.

“How goes the preservation?” he asked.

Claire showed him the papyrus and explained her progress and theories. John nodded and smiled when he saw Mr. Fraser’s book.

“Thanks for the sentiment, Fraser, but you should’ve known we’d have a copy of our sacred text or two.” John pulled out his own copy of Path to the Ancient Ways. “Wouldn’t be good followers, if we didn’t.”

They shared a laugh.

“I do appreciate the help, though. And you have mine should you ever require it.”

Mr. Fraser nodded. “That is related to what I have to tell you all today.”

Claire remembered his outburst the day before, having nearly forgotten about it.

John nodded. “Yes, you’ve had your 24-hours, and then some by my watch. What do you have to say?”

Mr. Fraser looked as if he was choosing his words very carefully. “I would like to, first, apologize for my behavior from the day before. Ye have to understand, this Season has been very strange. We had been all set to dig at Dashoor, I had prepared everything for excavating the pyramid there, including bringing on Miss MacKimmie. And we get to Shepheard’s and Dougal tells me that we are going to Behribu? I was in shock. I was completely unprepared for this excursion, and I’ve found myself quite idle ever since we started digging.”

“So you have no idea what MacKenzie is hoping to look for?” John asked.

Mr. Fraser shook his head. “If there is a plan, he hasna shared it with me. That, in itself would not be such a change, I’ve gone behind his back to Column a time or two to get things I needed and he is none too pleased by this. But this is different. He’s planning something.”

Claire and John looked at each other and back to Mr. Fraser. “What does that have to do with the writing we saw yesterday?”

Mr. Fraser ran his good hand through his hair, the russet curls standing on end in his frustration. “Ye’ll think me daft.”

“We already do,” John pointed out. “Out with it, already.”

“Before we left, Dougal had made the... acquaintance of a woman very interested in Ancient Egypt religious practices. Not in an academic sense, mind you. She believed she was a Pharaoh’s wife reincarnated.”

“Which one?” Claire asked with a laugh and John scowled.

Mr. Fraser shook his head. “I didna ever listen to her long enough to find out. But I did catch enough to hear her hypothesis about-” He stopped himself, as if once he spoke the words, they would legitimize whatever daft theory this woman had in mind. “ Time travel. ”

He glanced up at the two other adults, who were staring back at him intently.

“Does Dougal believe her, you think?” John asked. “That’s why he took the site, that’s why the writing we found in the House scares you?”

Mr. Fraser rubbed the back of his neck. “I dinna ken what to believe, if I’m being honest. I just feel, somewhere deep inside me, that this canna be a coincidence.” Mr. Fraser had always looked so put-together, Claire had noted. But now, he really seemed to be questioning his very sanity. And though the notion seemed quite extraordinary, he said it so incredulously that she couldn’t help but believe him. Or, at least, believe that he believed it.

“But it could be,” Claire stated. Both the men looked at her with startled expressions. “I do not doubt your story, Mr. Fraser. But, well, you yourself think this woman Dougal knows has crazy ideas. Maybe the writing is graffiti like John said. It could be a coincidence.” Claire crossed her arms over her chest. “Afterall, are we really debating the existence of time travel?”

“I think what we should do is assume everything is alright until we have something better to go on,” John suggested. “Fraser, what did your team find recently?”

Mr. Fraser looked up to John. “How did ye ken we found something?”

“We guessed,” John said, looking over in the corner where Fergus and Miss MacKimmie were engaged in their own deep conversation.

He nodded. “Another stone, in the very middle.”

“Quite the find.” Claire nodded with John. Claire had predicted as much in her own research. In many circles around the world, there was a middle stone.That should’ve been my discovery, she thought with a snarl.

“As Claire says, it could be nothing. We’ll gather any info we can and regroup. Fraser, I’m game to start on these papyrus tonight if you are.” John moved to the desk, moving one of the chairs from the table so that he and Mr. Fraser may sit side-by-side.

“I think I’ll take that as my cue,” Claire said. “Good luck to you both.”

“I’ll see ye to the door, at least.” Mr. Fraser did and they paused in the entrance to the tent.

“What’s troubling ye, Sassenach?” he asked, no doubt from the look in Claire’s eye. She had always had a hard time keeping her thoughts to herself. The moonlight stretched across the desert and illuminated Mr. Fraser’s face. He looked thoughtful and slightly worried for her, stranger as she may be to him.

“Things are not turning out like I had anticipated this season. First Lamb and now-”

He nodded and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Ye’ll get through this, I ken it. Ye needn’t be worried or scairt, so long as I’m with ye.”

“And what about after?” she asked. “I don’t even know what is after this.”

“One step at a time, Sassenach.”

"You keep using that name, what does it mean?”

Even in the moonlight, she could see him blush, as if he hadn’t even realized he was doing it. “Och, just a wee nickname is all. It just means ‘English’ in the Gaelic, ye ken? Seeing as we’re pretty much divided according to Hadrian’s Wall here in the middle of nowhere.”

She chuckled and moved to go to her tent. “Goodnight Mr. Fraser.”

“Goodnight, Miss Beauchamp.”

[ohfiendangelical]

first of all, i want to clarify that this is not a callout post. it’s more of a personal catharsis thing — i don’t really have any ‘receipts’, though i do have numerous other witnesses and victims. ive been intentionally vague about this for about 5 years now, trying to keep the peace and avoid any unnecessary drama.

the story i originally gave when miranda and i parted ways was that we were simply incompatible; i implied that we were both good people who ultimately brought out the worst in each other. that is partially true — we were incompatible, and we did bring out the worst in each other. however, there’s a bit more to it than that.

i met miranda through the tumblr rpc in the early days of this particular blog. i was a young teenager. miranda was older than me, though also a teenager at the time; either a junior or senior in high school. she seemed sweet at the time, though shy and insecure. she also seemed sad a lot. we bonded over a love of the film moulin rouge and writing dark subject matter. we had our characters interact, and she quickly grew attached to both zero and i.

she quickly began to exibhit strange behavior. she would pressure me to do plots i wasn’t keen on and get extremely upset if i was hesitant. she was fiercely jealous and she would use her character, abra, to vent her personal grudges and vendettas against other writers and characters i interacted with. she accused a great deal of people in our circles of plagiarism (admittedly, there were a few cases of her suspicions proving to be true) and would bully them relentlessly, sometimes to the point of chasing them off the platform. she decided she didn’t like people seemingly at random and became hostile if i continued to speak to them.

she began to refer to me as her best friend within a few months of our knowing each other. i was not comfortable with this. i didn’t think i wanted to get very close to her, even if i had fun writing with her. however, she persisted relentlessly and pressured me into saying it back, and eventually i trained myself into believing it was true.

she forced the zero and abra ship. that may come as a surprise to people who knew us back then. i didn’t want to do it, but she would have a full-blown breakdown any time i said i didn’t see the two characters ending up together — so eventually i caved and engaged fully. this was another thing i had to learn to enjoy.

any time i made a decision for myself, she would be unhappy with me. this started out as rp- and character-based decisions only, but soon upgraded to any decision regarding real life as well. she didn’t like it when i came up with my own plot ideas and would fight with me. she didn’t like it if i talked to other writers, save for the few she deemed acceptable (until she inevitably had a falling out with them and i was not allowed to speak to them anymore). she didn’t like it if i wasn’t accessable 24/7. she became hostile if she found out i had plans or was not at my computer. she would become irritated if i talked about people in my life that she didn’t already know.

eventually, it got to the point where i rarely ever left my house, afraid of the reaction i would get. due to my mental health, i began to do homeschooling in the middle of my teen years (this was not related to her), which gave her unreserved access to me. i ended up losing contact with more than half my real-life friends. this lasted about 3 or 4 years — most of my formative teen years.

where i wasn’t allowed to have other friends, engage with other writers, have other ships, leave my house, or generally have any life experience, she was. if i brought up this contradiction i would be shamed and berated for being a bad friend. if i was worried about any of the decisions she was making — self-destructive habits, engaging with dangerous people in her real life, handling her money recklessly — i would be even further shamed. she kept me from her other friends, refusing to let me speak to any of them. she publicly played up her popularity with these friends, as well as her “fans” on her personal blog, while rarely ever mentioning me. if she wanted to prove a point, she would ignore me entirely to keep me in my place while championing and publicly lauding these other people. of course, if i spoke to almost anyone other than my few rp friends (which, again, were mostly selected by her whims), there would be absolute hell to pay.

she was fairly popular on her personal blog, and became regarded as an authority and critic on social issues. a great deal of her “hot takes” were extremely damaging, or not thoroughly researched. half the time she did not know what she was talking about. if anyone disagreed with her on anything — even mundane, small things that had nothing to do with social issues — they were deemed either racist or misogynistic or both. (miranda is a latinx woman, so she has had to deal with institutional racism. i want to make it clear she wasn’t a white girl crying racism — all of this is bad enough without misleading claims.) if she were informed she could not be an authority on the plight of demographics she did not fit into, she would throw a fit and talk in circles until she came up with something to make the other person, sometimes a member of the demographic she was representing falsely, appear in the wrong.

she had a great deal of internalized homophobia that offended me (i’m bisexual), and when i called her out on it, she grew highly emotional and guilted me relentlessly. i never brought it up again. after we parted ways, she came out as a lesbian. this was after years of her throwing a fit if i so much as said i’d kiss her in a playful context — though she sexted me once. she became distressed or annoyed if i ever mentioned it, which left me feeling rather dirty and used, especially since i was 17.

the body positively movement was gaining traction around this time, so she latched onto that, “reclaiming thickness”. the problem with that is that she was rather thin with slight curves. i, however, am heavyset — and was made to feel ugly by her for it while she also talked over me about thickness, fatphobia, and body shaming to further her own personal agenda. 

i underwent extreme personality changes with miranda controlling my life. i was an outgoing and confident teenager, if not a bit obnoxious, before i met her; now, to this day, i am rather reserved and shy. i have trouble befriending people. certain typing patterns make me anxious (miranda had a distinct textual tone when she was upset). my self esteem isn’t what it used to be. i have to triple check my own perceptions of things — even now, writing this, i have to wonder if everything really happened the way i remember it, or if i am just melodramatic and oversensitive.

i have countless horror stories, fragmented anecdotes. examples of her behavior.

she once claimed to have taken a bunch of pills in a suicide attempt, then immediately backtracked when i, worried sick, was preparing to call someone, saying that she threw them all up and was fine. she went to bed immediately after, making it clear she was irritated at me for responding to what i can only assume now were theatrics.

when the older boy i thought i was in love with molested me, and i — young, confused, and upset, with only a few hours having passed — considered speaking to him again, she berated me and threatened to cut all contact, saying that she “didn’t think she could be friends with someone who would do that”. (she also berated me when i expressed concern that she was still in contact with someone who abused her.)

a few months after my brother, who i loved more than anyone in the world, died unexpectedly, she expressed the news had upset her because she “knew it would change things between us” — in her mind, my grief took a backseat to the inconvenience of my attention being elsewhere.

when one of my friends expressed interest in one of my characters she was especially attached to, she came at me in violent hysterics, saying “HE’S MINE”, as though he were a real person. this fight escalated to literal life threatening perportions when my friend became hospitalized, the violent bullying and gaslighting from miranda being a factor.

when i began to hang out with my real life friends again once a week after years of isolation, she claimed that i didn’t care about our relationship and that we weren’t “working out”, and she may not want to be friends with me anymore.

i have a lot more, but i think we’ve gone dark enough for now.

i also want to bring up the way i behaved. the relationship did bring out the worst in me. i began to think like her in a lot of ways. there were times when i was cruel and manipulative and selfish. there were times when i was mean to other people. there were times when i would react to something in a melodramatic, irrational way when it didn’t have to be that way. i think that i became a really bad person for a while. there are still some habits that i’m trying to unlearn — like not saying what i mean and then getting upset with people for not knowing anyway, or being harshly critical and judgmental of those undeserving, or seeking out affection through ridiculously convoluted ways. i’m working on it. (honestly, i’m deathly afraid of turning into her.) a lot of it has been worked out of my system after five years, but there are relapses from time to time.

when i began to tell one of my friends about what i was experiencing, i slowly came to realize it wasn’t normal. i came to terms that it was abusive. eventually, i reached a point where i felt brave enough to disconnect. i told her that i couldn’t do it anymore, and then said goodbye. she tried every trick in the book into getting me to stay, but i managed.

i will still get the occasional message from her every six or so months that proves she hasn’t changed and has no intention of changing. the messages range from hostile to desperate to sad and asking for forgiveness.

based on what ive heard from other people, she’s only gotten worse.

there are currently 6 other people i can think of off the top of my head who also had traumatic experiences with miranda. and that’s just the few i know of.

so, there you go — that person i wrote with for years and years and seemed so happy with was basically keeping me hostage. i know that may come as a shock to some, and not to others. i hope anyone else who has been hurt by her is also brought some relief by the truth finally coming out: no, you weren’t crazy!

if anyone else would like to come forward, too, i’m always listening. it may help to talk about it.

[sraawrats]

🦇🎃Kana’s Halloween Hangover Rec List🎃🦇

Love Halloween? Not ready for it to be over? No worries! Old and new, these are some of my favorite spooky, suspenseful, and supernatural Kylux reads--perfect for drawing out your favorite month a little longer!

which is 100% why i’m posting this on november 1st, definitely not because i didnt manage to finish it before yesterday. nope, not at all

My Baby’s a Devil in the Bedroom | @callmelyss

- E - 4/5 chapters, 14 645 words - “Oh, obviously.” Kylo let out a shaky laugh and ran both hands through his hair. “Wait, no, you’re serious. You’re a fucking demon.”

“Well, yes, not to put too fine a point on it.” Hux smiled, clearly pleased with himself at the joke. “Or more accurately, I’m a succubus. A sex demon.”

—

Kylo has an unusual squatter. He's pretty fine with it. -

This fic is seriously amazing. It’s a super fun idea, the dialogue is hilarious, and it perfectly balances the sweetness and humor with angst/intrigue. Plus, I’m absolutely taken with snarky, smug, candy-tasting succubus Hux <3 <3

strange phenomenon | @brawlite, @kyluxtrashcompactor

- E - 8/8 chapters, 65 756 words - Kylo Ren is haunted by recent tragedy. He answers an ad posted by one Armitage Hux for a roommate, and he thinks a fresh start will help him begin to heal. He brings next to nothing with him from the past when he moves in.Or so he thinks. -

This fic is wonderfully suspenseful, and perfect if you’re looking for something to keep you on the edge of your seat. I also had a lot of Han feels when reading this one. Overall it’s just really nicely well-rounded with heartfelt and genuine characterizations, good spooks, and some searing sexual tension.

Something Wicked | @marlonbookcase

- G - 7/7 chapters, 22 514 words -  Kylo and Armitage have been friends since they were kids. Now in university, they run a semi-popular YouTube channel called "London Below" where they investigate all sorts of haunted and paranormal happenings in and around London and try to answer the question, are ghosts real? When they take on the mysterious and tragic case of the Pendle Witches, they come face to face with the spirit world in a way they never have before. Will they make it out of Pendle alive? Are ghosts real? And most importantly, does Armitage return Kylo's affections? -

I love Buzzfeed Unsolved. I love Kylux. I love this fic. A lot. As it says in the description, it’s not an exact Unsolved AU, but it really captured the format/feel of the “paranormal investigator” genre, so if you’re a fan of that, you’ll love this. Bonus points for some mutual pining and sugary fluff 👀👀

Second Spring, First Fall | @huxandthehound

- T - 5/? chapters, 7 018 words -  Nothing brings people together quite like the holidays. Well, maybe not Halloween... After a scare, Hux has to confront his neighbor. Lucky for him, Kylo might be a little sweeter than his tricks let on. -

A cute multi-chap made of Huxloween prompt fills! Lighthearted, but it’s still got that Halloween spirit. Plus I’ve got a soft spot for sweet modern AU Kylo :))

Some Strange and Unnerving Events | @longstoryshortikilledhim

- E - 10/10 chapters, 158 815 words -  As a boy in a dreary school on the moors, Kylo Ren had only one friend, a red-headed boy whose sharp tongue and wit drew Kylo to him. But that friend was taken from him. Now grown, Kylo goes into the service of the master of Stormfield Hall, the enigmatic Lord Arkanis, who is seeking a tutor for his charge. Kylo's past will come rushing back to him, both in his new employer and some unusual circumstances that bring to the fore powers that Kylo thought long-suppressed. -

This fic hit me like a ton of bricks. This fic hit me like TWO tons of bricks. Start this one when you’re ready to be feeling it for a few days afterwards. It’s an incredible historical AU with magic and a great murder mystery--it basically pushes, like, all of my buttons. And it’s /genuinely/ spooky, I had to start keeping a light on while I read it. Oh, and it features definitely my favorite Millicent ever. If you’ve got the time for something long, go for this one.

Reach Out in the Darkness | unicornsandbutane

- E - 2/2 chapters, 9 321 words - Having spent a decent amount of time researching the history and folklore of Arkanis, Cadet Hux strikes out one chilly evening in search of some legendary creature that's supposed to be extremely powerful. If the myths aren't true, all he's wasted is time. But, if they are based in some actual fact, then what a boon such an entity would be to his cause. He doesn't know what he will find, but he is prepared for any (absolutely ANY) eventuality. -

Tentacle monster Kylo. I am unapologetic. It’s really good.

Witchfeather | Whatever21ism

- E - 14/? chapters, 16 015 words - Armitage Hux is a new witch trying to establish himself in a new town. One day he goes out seeking a familiar, particularly a cat, somehow instead he ends up with a raven who is much more than they appear to be. -

A favorite of mine! Apothecary witch Hux & his crow familiar Kylo. There’s some really nice worldbuilding and crow Kylo is super cute. Possibly abandoned, but defs worth checking out what’s there & showing the author some love.

First Order Investigations | @mistresseast

- Unrated - series, 3 works, 58 094 words, incomplete - Hux and Phasma have been running First Order Investigations since high school, and Dr. Snoke's metaphysical research graduate program seemed like the perfect opportunity to pursue their interests under the protective umbrella of academia. Unfortunately, that meant allowing Snoke's personal project, a taciturn medium named Kylo Ren, to join their team. Hux and Kylo mix like oil and water, or, more accurately, like fire and gasoline, and Hux is convinced that working effectively with Kylo is absolutely impossible. They hate each other, and Hux is content to leave it that way.

But then, a case in the sweltering heat of South Carolina begins to change things between them, and Hux finds himself questioning not only Kylo's feelings, but his own as well. -

Paranormal Investigator AU of the highest quality. The detail and thought put into each investigation site is incredible. I love this fic to pieces, and if you like ghost stories, you will too.

Undead | @heyktula, @splinteredscript

- E - series, 2 works, 6 855 words, incomplete - They’ve been circling around each other for years. Kylo Ren, the most powerful vampire in Supreme Leader Snoke’s house, and Armitage Hux, the human liaison between the world of mortals and that of eternal darkness. Baiting, taunting, the cord between them growing ever tighter.Sooner or later, one of them is going to snap. -

A lovely and dark vampire AU~~ Gives off some real classic Kylux vibes, and is an absolute pleasure to read :D

Fixer Upper | @irisparry

- T - 5/7 chapters, 10 034 words - When Armitage Hux starts with First Order estate agents, he thinks the house on Alderaan Drive is an insult, a patronising set of training wheels for the new boy. He is ... not correct. -

Adorable haunted house AU! I love both of their characterizations in this one, especially shy, grumpy ghost Kylo~

Hair of the Dog That Bit You | @theweddingofthefoxes

- M - 9/9 chapters, 21 597 words -  Ren owns a popular tavern, and Armitage is a respected physician in town and the surrounding villages. Their years-long friendship will survive anything -- even the bite of a werewolf. Won't it? -

Full disclosure, I haven’t actually finished this one-- I have a tendency to get distracted unless I finish something in one sitting, rip. But I remember being SUPER stoked about starting it, and anything by weddingofthefoxes is guaranteed to be a treat, so I’m putting it on here anyway :D tbh now that I’m thinking about it again I’ll probably finish it tonight.

The Eldritch Effect | @generallyhuxurious

- E - 17/17 chapters, 67 899 words - For the last three years Major Donal A. Hux, formerly of the British Army's Parachute Regiment, and Kylo Ren, estranged son of US Defence Secretary Leia Organa, have been tooling around North America investigating "weirdness"- and they're plenty weird themselves. Their latest tip off is leading them towards a haunting in rural Alabama. But first they need to make a stop in Trinity, South Carolina... -

A real goofy Paranormal Investigators AU that I super love (but I also need to catch up on rip). It’s an American Gothic AU, but you don’t need to have any knowledge of the show to follow along (I don’t). It also comes with a series of oneshots set in the universe but outside the main plotline, so when you finish the fic and inevitably want more, you’re covered ;)

blackbird, fly | @acroamatica

- M - 19 265 words - One sunny afternoon in the mountains of Washington state, Ben Organa-Solo walked out into the woods.

He never came home.

Six years later, a journalist specialising in missing-persons cold cases decides to follow his footsteps and see where they might lead. -

This is a sad beautiful horror AU that is very close to my heart. The writing is just gorgeous and the suspense is beautifully done. Also, it about doubled the amount of emotions already attached to the song Blackbird for me (I still get a little heart-squeeze every time I hear it)

what’s real or isn’t | @brawlite

- E - 12/12 chapters, 57 398 words - Hux's new house is not haunted. It isn't. -

Super surreal haunted house AU. There’s also monster sex. This is definitely a staple of spooky Kylux fics :D

How to Kill a Living Thing | hedgerowhag

- E - 10/10 chapters, 25 394 words - It starts like any other horror movie: a young man moves into a strange old house full of relics of the past and becomes haunted by some strange entity. However, Ren doesn't find the monster that he expects. -

This one has got some of the most stunning, spooky visuals I’ve ever read. I could picture every scene and character so clearly. Plus, I love Hux’s characterization--he’s kind of a shit, and it’s beautiful.

Twenty-Six Weeks | @vmprsm

- E (eventually) - series, 4 works, 28 539 words, probably complete - Two mature adults need to do two things: live an a house with a stranger for six months, and keep their secrets to themselves. How hard could that be?

Apparently very. -

The author made a point of trying not to give too much away in the summary/tags, so I won’t either :D I’ll just say it’s one of my favorites, and definitely worth a read if you haven’t already~~

The Brief Wondrous Return of Vampire Boy | @hollyhark

- T - 21 190 words - Two days before Halloween, Hux hears a rumor that Ben Solo is back in town. While Hux does not believe the sensational version-- that his estranged childhood friend/enemy escaped from an asylum and is out for revenge --he is left on edge as to how to proceed. -

One of my favorite Halloween fics; it really encompasses the feel of fall/Halloween but also, like, good ol’ ~teenage bullshit~. There’s a lot of creepy Snoke stuff, some dealing with the fallout, and a nice hopeful ending :))

Ghost Encounters of the Hux Kind | carefulren

- T - 9/9 chapters, 25 610 words - Kylo purchases an old, abandoned house in order to get away from his family. He just wants the chance to be alone for a while, and he considers this house as the start of his new, isolated freedom.

Everything is going as smoothly as possible, until it's not.

Perhaps, Kylo isn't living alone after all.-

A sweet and soft ghost  story AU. I adore the ending <3 <3 

Spookylux Huxloween 2018 | @nofootprintsinsalt

- T - series, 31 works, 36 896 words, complete - Huxloween 2018 - 31 benarmie fics in 31 days -

A series of benarmie fluff/horror for the Huxloween prompts this year! These were so so fun to read throughout the month and I adore the little universe that develops as they go on :))

Of Our Time | @ezlebe

- E - 15 297 words - “Do you know how many people would think it’s weird you walk around in the day?”

Hux grits his teeth in vain against an uncanny sensation, his own words digging and clawing up his throat to leave behind the taste of blood and bitterness thick on his tongue. “I could care less. I was made this way before there were movies – before fucking Stroker. Call me a demon if it makes you feel better.” -

I only read this really recently, and I was BLOWN AWAY. Seriously, this packs so much into 15k--it’s got feels, it’s got lore, it’s got steamy smut. What more could one ask for?

Shiver The Whole Night Through | @theweddingofthefoxes

- T- 5/5 chapters, 7 977 words - Ren's always loved hunting, so when he's told his paid time off won't roll over into the next year, he decides to take a week, get his gun and rent a cabin in the woods. But it takes no time at all for the hunter to become the hunted. -

This one’s very accurately tagged “Mind Games,” which really made it stand out to me--I do love a good spooky woods story~~

The Ghost Under My Bed | @longstoryshortikilledhim

- E - 19 525 words - Amateur witch, aspiring actor and full-time family fuckup Ben Solo discovers that his house is being haunted. Best part? His very own poltergeist, Armitage Hux, is kinda cute. Worst part? Well. He's dead. -

THIS IS THE SWEETEST GHOST STORY. I love it so so much. The sweetness of their relationship set against the sad backdrop of both of their histories gives this one a really unique feel. And the ending is guaranteed to give you the warm fuzzies <3

--

aaaand that’s all, folks! Lord, this post turned into a behemoth lmao. I just. really love supernatural stuff. (on that note, if anyone has read/written anything even tangentially spooky/supernatural, feel free to send it my way. I will happily give it a read ;)))

Happy reading! ^_^

[wegoddessofhell]

Warrior

Summary: Alyssa Blake has had a rough life, but she finally gets the revenge she’s been looking for.

Characters/Pairings: Dean x Alyssa (OC), Sam

Word Count: 3,292

Warnings: A lil bit o’ fluff, mentions of death, a few swears… 2? 3? One terribly written smutty joke, i doubt anyone will even catch it lmaaao.

Author’s Note: Okay, sooo, hi! This is my first fic I’ve ever posted to tumblr and it happens to be for @atc74 Fierce Female’s Challenge! The prompt I chose is listed below and is bolded in the fic! I was high key stressed about not finishing this and decided to change my entire fic last minute and re write, but I’m much happier with how this one turned out. I hope everyone enjoys, and congratulations to Angelina again!

Prompt: “I have been fighting since I was a child. I am not a survivor, I am a warrior.”

Alyssa Blake was tough.

Looking at her, you wouldn’t think it. Her brunette hair that fell just above her hips, her darker complexion, her smaller frame… she didn’t look like your typical “tough” girl. But if you got to know her… she was so much more than she seemed.

Alyssa wakes up, her back to Dean’s chest, one if his arms wrapped around her waist. She attempts to slide away from him, making it to the edge of the bed, before he pulls her back against him. She laughs quietly, as he nuzzles against her shoulder, placing a kiss to the side of her neck. “Mmm, where do you think you’re going?” She bites her lip, letting her eyes close. “We’ve gotta get ready, De.”

“I know,” he nibbles on her ear. “You ready for this?” She opens her eyes, sitting up as much as she doesn’t want to. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for a very long time.”

He sits up as well, offering her a half smile. “I know you have, sunshine. The day is finally here.”

She slides out of bed in her boxers and tank top, grabbing some clothes. She moves to the bathroom and takes a quick shower, before she walks back to the bedroom, now dressed. She looks in the mirror at herself as she brushes her hair, letting out a shaky breath.

When she was five years old, a pack of vampires took out her entire family in their small home in Indiana. When Alyssa heard the screams from her family, she raced down the stairs from her bedroom, and to the basement. She hid under the stairs, listening to the screams of her family. She doesn’t know if they’re dead, or if they were turned, but what she does know is that she’s been alone for a very long time.

Her and Dean met one night at a motel. She was the manager, he needed a room, and the rest is history.

Dean had ensured she was trained. He taught her everything he knew about the supernatural world as soon as she mentioned her family being taken by vampires. He taught her how to shoot, how to fight, and if he was being honest, she was pretty bad ass. Sam had taken over when it came to learning about the research side of things, but together they shaped Alyssa into this bad ass hunter, scared of nothing. Except spiders. She hates spiders.

“Lys, you okay?” Dean asks, sliding off the bed to stand behind her. She’s drawn from her thoughts, and hadn’t even realized she had braided her hair. She grabs a ponytail from the dresser and hands it to Dean. He takes it and ties off the bottom of her braid.

“I’m just thinkin’, De. I haven’t been back to my house since that night,” she lets out a slow breath. Dean moves her braid so it was hanging in front of her shoulder, as she wraps his arms around her from behind. “I’ll be right there with you, I promise,” he kisses her cheek. “You ready?” She laughs, shaking her head. “No.” He kisses her cheek again, before he begins to throw some stuff in a bag. “I’m gonna wait in the car, okay? Take your time, sunshine.” He grabs the bag and leaves the motel room they had gotten just outside of Indiana.

Lys takes a deep breath and looks at herself in the mirror. She nods slightly, licking her bottom lip. “I can do this. I’m brave, I’m strong. It’s only scary if you let it be scary.” She breathes out and turns, leaving the motel room, sliding into the passenger seat of the Impala. Dean looks over at her from the driver’s seat, and offers her his hand. She takes it quickly, giving it a gentle squeeze. He throws her a wink, before kissing the back of her hand. He starts the Impala and begins to drive, humming along to the song that was playing on the radio. Lys reaches forward and turns it up, recognizing the song as Killer Queen by Queen. Dean had dubbed this song as Alyssa’s when they first started dating, and it quickly became one of her favourites. She listens to the lyrics, trying to convince herself that she really was a Killer Queen.

Half way through the ride, Dean’s phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket, handing it to Alyssa. She takes it and answers, putting it on speaker, as Dean speaks. “Talk to me, Sammy. You’re on speaker.” “Hey guys, so get this, there’s an abandoned church about 20 minutes from Alyssa’s old house, apparently bodies turn up there all the time with two puncture wounds to the neck. I dunno, sounds pretty vampy to me,” Sam sighs.

“So, what’s the plan, then?” Lys asks. “We get to the church, you tie me to the chair, lure the vampires out cause they’ll want to finish the job, and then…?” “And then we keep takin’ out vamps until the alpha is stupid enough to show himself. When he does, you pop him with the colt. Easy enough, right?” Dean turns to her with a grin, before looking back at the road. “I’m gonna head there now, I’m still at the motel from last night. I uh- I had a late night,” Sam clears his throat, as Dean smirks. “Yeah you did!”

“Stop,” Lys looks to him, shaking her head with a smile. “We’ll see you soon, Sammy.” “Yeah, see you guys soon,” he hangs up.

---

The drive from Danville, Illinois to Fort Wayne, Indiana was only four hours. As they drove through Indiana, Alyssa started to recognize things from her childhood. The nostalgia was good, but it also made her sick to her stomach. When she realizes they were getting close to her old house, she sits up straighter in the Impala, her eyes glued out the window.

After a few more minutes, Dean pulls into the driveway of a home. The house itself looks rough. The yard around is overgrown, as if no one has been there for a while. The front window on the house is shattered, but other than that, it looked like a normal house. Maybe it was a little dark and a little dusty, but it was a home. Alyssa chews on the inside of her cheek, nodding. “This is it.” “You okay?” Dean asks, as she turns to look at him. She nods once, as he leans in and kisses her lips gently. “Then let’s go, sunshine.” He gets out of the car, Lys stepping out as well. She scans the front yard with her eyes, before walking to the front door. Dean steps up behind her and, looks at the door handle. He tries to open it, discovering it’s locked. He begins to pick the lock, speaking to Alyssa. “When we get in there, let me check the place out first, okay? I want to make sure it’s safe.”

Alyssa doesn’t answer him, and pushes the door open when its unlocked. She lets out a deep breath, looking around the house. Dean looks at her. “Stay here.” She shakes her head, speaking quietly. “The house is a circle, it meets up at the backyard door. You go left, and I’ll go right.” She turns into the living room on her right, as Dean watches her, raising his eyebrow. He grins after a moment, before he goes left.

She walks through the living room, memories flooding back as she closes her eyes. She looks to the place where they used to put their Christmas tree every year, and then she turns to the fireplace. On the mantle was a framed picture of her family. She steps towards it and studies the dusty picture, a sad smile on her face. Everyone was smiling, sitting on the lawn in front of the house. Lys licks her bottom lip, hearing Dean come up behind her. He pauses, watching her as she picks up the picture and turns to him. “It’s my family.”

“Can I see?” he asks as he walks towards her, standing behind her now, looking over her shoulder.

She nods, and points to the picture. “That’s my mom, and that’s my dad. The older boy is my older brother Tanner, and the girl is Rachel, my older sister,” she pauses, moving her finger to the youngest girl, “and that’s me.”

He kisses her cheek, looking at the picture with a smirk. “You were a cute kid… what happened?”

She scoffs, shaking her head with a smile. “Shut up.”

“I’m kidding,” he grins. He watches her pull the picture out of the frame, and fold it up, sliding it into the pocket of her jeans. “This floor of the house is safe, do you wanna head upstairs?”

She looks up the stairs and thinks, before she shakes her head. “There’s no need. All that’s up there is bedrooms and a bathroom.” She flicks her eyes to the basement. “We should go down there, though.” He nods at her, and takes her hand. “Lead the way.”

She leads him to the basement, pausing at the bottom of the stairs. Dean nearly bumps into her, but stops himself. She takes a deep breath, and looks back at him, meeting his kind, green eyes. “We don’t have to go any further if you don’t want to,” Dean squeezes her hand.

She watches him carefully, before she turns and walks further into the basement. She looks around, staying silent for a few moments, before she speaks. “I hid under there,” she points to underneath the stairs. “I could hear everything. The screams, the vampires, everything, and I- I just hid.” “You were only a kid, Lys. You did what any smart kid would do,” Dean speaks softly, leaning against the wall.

She turns to him, shaking her head. “I could’ve been a distraction, maybe. I was fast, I could’ve distracted the vampires until my family got away.” “No, Alyssa, you don’t get to blame yourself for this,” he watches her look to the ground, walking towards her. “Look at me.” When she doesn’t, he tilts her chin up with his hand, meeting her eyes. “Stop thinkin’ like that, you hear me? You were five years old, sunshine. You couldn’t have done a thing, the only thing that would’ve happened was them killing you too.” She forces a smile, nodding slightly. “Thank you, De.”

He leans down and kisses her softly, feeling her relax under his touch. “Good. You ready to get outta here?”

“Yeah,” she nods, breathing out. “Let’s get outta here.” They make their way back to the Impala, getting inside. Dean starts the car, turning the radio up as he begins to drive towards the abandoned barn address Sam had given them.

----

After a 20 minute ride, they arrive, seeing Sam already outside, leaning against his BMW.

Once Dean pulls the car up, they both get out, Sam approaching them with his hands in his pockets. “Hey, I checked out the barn, it’s empty, and it’s dark which will be perfect.”

Dean moves to the trunk, pulling out two machete’s and the colt. He tucks the colt in his waistband, handing Sam a machete. “Perfect.” He grabs some rope, shutting the trunk afterwards. “Let’s go.”

The three of them make their way to the barn, bloodstains on the ground and on the wooden walls. Lys breathes out, looking around. “Yup, I’d say vampires were here.” Dean chuckles quietly. “Yeah, no kidding.” He grabs an old chair, and pulls it to the middle of the room, nodding to it. “Sit.” Alyssa walks over and sits down on the chair, putting her hands behind it. Dean grabs the rope, starting to tie her hands. “Don’t make it too tight, Dean.” “I won’t, Lys, don’t worry. You’ve done this a thousand times, we’ve practiced this knot a thousand times,” he finishes tying her hands. “How does that feel?” She tugs on the ropes, nodding. “It’s good.” “Good,” he nods. He leans in and places a gingerly kiss on her neck, whilst lifting up the back of her shirt, slipping the colt in her waistband. “You’ve got two bullets, two chances, you can do this. We’ve practiced your shooting, remember, be confident, not cocky.” She closes her eyes, feeling Dean’s lips and then his breath on her neck. “Confident, not cocky, got it.” He pulls back and nods, moving to stand in front of her. “Sammy and I will handle the regular bloodsuckers that are bound to show up, get your hands untied in time to take out the alpha, got it?” “Got it,” she nods quickly. She looks to Sam and offers him a smile, which he returns from the shadows of the barn. Dean nods, kissing her quickly before he moves to the other side of the barn.

After half an hour of painful waiting, there’s two voices heard from outside. Alyssa looks to Dean, her eyes wide. He nods once, watching her. She looks away, towards the front barn doors, two men walking inside.

“What do we have here?” the man with dark hair asks, approaching Alyssa slowly.

“Why, is this the final Blake girl, Matteo?” the blonde hair man asks back, also walking towards Alyssa.

Matteo reaches her and circles her slowly. “Sure does look like it, doesn’t it?” “Fuck. You,” Lys sptis, glaring at them. “I think your daddy said something along those lines when I drained him,” Matteo smirks, grabbing a fistful of her hair, pulling her head to the side. “Wait!” the blonde man exclaims.

Matteo looks to the other vampire, his mouth painfully close to Alyssa’s neck. “What, Bruce? I’m hungry,” he hisses, showing his fangs.

Bruce speaks, nodding. “I am too, but we should save this one for dad, he’ll wanna finish her.” “That’s my job, actually.” From the shadows, Dean pounces, slicing of Bruce’s head, watching it fall to the ground next to Alyssa. Sam takes care of Matteo, as Dean looks to her. “You okay, sunshine?”

She nods, letting out a shaky breath. “Yeah, I’m good.” “He’ll show himself, I promise,” he kisses her lips. “Keep sittin’ there and lookin’ pretty.” She rolls her eyes with a small smile, watching as he walks back to the side of the barn, Sam having already returned to his side.

Ten minutes later, two female vampires make their appearance, as the taller one speaks. “I thought I smelt a Blake.”

Alyssa smiles, eyeing her. “The one and only.” “Because we killed the rest of your family, huh?” the second one says in fake voice laced with sadness. “So sorry about that.” “No you’re not,” Alyssa chuckles, as Sam and Dean take both of their heads off. She watches the vampires heads fall to the ground, before she breathes out and speaks, “And I’m sure as hell not sorry for that.

This process continued for another 11 regular vampires, all of them killed and hidden,  before the man of the hour finally makes his appearance. “Well, well, well,” he sighs, stepping into the barn. “If it isn’t Alyssa Blake.”

Lys looks up at the Alpha, swallowing down her fear. She watches him, speaking confidently. “I’ve been waiting to meet you.” “I’m not sure why,” he chuckles, seeing her tied up. “This seems like quite the predicament you’ve gotten yourself into.” She slowly goes to work on the knot, remembering to keep her shoulders steady as she does. “It is, but I’ll escape, just as I escaped the night you killed them all.” He shakes his head with a smile, looking to the ground. “I didn’t kill them, my vampires did.” She feels the knot as she speaks, panicking slightly, but she lets out a deep breath. “I was hiding under the staircase, you know? I didn’t even have to run, I just hid.”

“Like a coward, you hid, and it got your family killed,” he looks back up at her, baring his fangs.

“You would’ve killed them either way, all that would’ve changed was I’d be dead right now too,” she chews on the inside of her cheek, sliding her thumb between two parts of the rope.

“I guess you should be proud of yourself then, dear. You’re a survivor,” he steps towards her again, as Alyssa pauses with the knot.

She meets his eyes, as she speaks, her tone harsh, “A survivor?” She laughs spitefully, working at the knot again. “You made me an orphan. You took my siblings, my entire family, and I was alone. I was sent to live with my aunt who didn’t even want me. She sent me to a foster home. I lived in that foster home for 13 years, because nobody wants to adopt a five year old. I left that foster home when I turned 18, completely broke. I had no money, no family, and nowhere to go. I slept on the streets for 3 days, collecting change from strangers who were kind enough to give it. With the money I made, I rented a motel room for myself for one night, and begged the owner to give me a job there and luckily he did. I fought my way through life, earning every single little thing I had,” she gets the knot undone, holding the ropes still, before she speaks again. “I have been fighting since I was a child. I am not a survivor, I am a warrior.” She swiftly moves off the chair, dropping the ropes, drawing the gun from her waistband. She cocks it, pointing it directly at the Alpha, her hands shaking slightly. Dean and Sam emerge from the shadows, standing behind Alyssa on either side of her. The Alpha quirks his eyebrow, eyeing them. “Is that the colt?” “One and only,” Alyssa glares at him, full emotion. Getting this kill, this was revenge. This was revenge for her mom, her dad, her brother, and her sister. “I hate you. I hate you so much.” She pulls the trigger, the bullet soaring through the air, landing right between the vampires eyes. He falls to his knees, blood pouring from the bullet hole, a deep red-orange colour flickering inside of him. He collapses over, falling to the ground.

Alyssa drops the colt, her hands shaky. She hadn’t realized she was crying, everything felt like a blur. When she comes back to reality, Dean’s arms are wrapped around, as he leans into his chest. He holds her tight, kissing the top of her head. “It’s over, sunshine. You did it, he’s dead.” Lys nods, sniffling as she wipes her eyes. They stay like that for a few moments, Dean whispering words of comfort to her, before she finally pulls away from him, looking up at him. “I did it,” she speaks quietly, tear stains on her cheeks. “Hell yeah you did!” he grins, leaning down to kiss her. Once he pulls away from the kiss, he wipes his thumbs under her eyes gently, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “And it was bad ass.”

“I’m a warrior,” she states quietly, as Dean nods enthusiastically.

“Say it louder, Lys. Own it. You’re a freakin’ warrior,” he tells her, taking her hand.

“I’m a warrior,” she says louder, squeezing Dean’s hand.

“Louder, I want you to scream it,” he whispers to her, as she looks up at him.

She takes a step back, looking around the barn. She thinks about everything that just happened, closing her eyes for a moment. She lets all the anger, the hate, the sadness- she lets it all go, as she looks up to the roof of the barn, yelling now. “I’m a warrior!”

Alyssa Blake is more than just tough.

She is a warrior.

[archereation]

5 Ways to Create a Holiday You’re Ecstatic With Minus Money

Photo Credit: Uncommon Goods

Holiday.

We all know the term. What does it mean? How do you create a “holiday” from a regular day? 

Sure, some of us have time off from work, some of us are automatically going to be around friends and family and celebrate or have a party. What makes a holiday different from a regular day though? What makes any day more special than another? This is the question I am seeking to answer on this day after Christmas, as we reach towards 2019 with hopeful hands.

Not only this, but what makes our frustrations and even anger with our loved ones especially intense on these days that are fed to us through society and the media as the happiest times of the year? Does the pure expectation clashing with reality create this discomfort and stress?

To me, the whole difference between holiday and a regular day is a break from the norm. It has certain special elements that make it unique:

When we eat, it’s food that is special in the way that we don’t normally get to enjoy it. Even the way we eat is different. In most cases, we allow ourselves to indulge more than we would on say, a Monday in April.

People also create a holiday. We make sure we are around people we love. In a lot of cases, people that we don’t normally get to see- therefore, it’s a break from the mundane in this way. Either you make sure you are around people you love the most or people you rarely see or both.

The activities make the holiday. Themed, seasonal, and different than what you do everyday. Do they need to be planned? Extra special to make it worth it? Let’s see...

The setting is the final element that matters. Are you cuddled around a fire? Out on a snowy mountain? A friend’s house? “The condo” or the “cabin”? The home that you miss so much? The setting is key to holiday happiness, or is it?

So, I have settled on these simple ideas, for the sake of understanding, that a holiday is a holiday because it is different than an ordinary, average day. 

Now onto the darker, not so obvious aspects of a holiday.

If you have ever been sad or even depressed around the holidays, you know that it can be exacerbated hugely by these “merry” days. My conclusion about why has to do with the expectations that are slathered on thicker than your average day around the holidays. It’s the most wonderful time of the year damn it! Be happy! This notion can make an already down person slide into a spiral.

You don’t necessarily have to be depressed; the feeling doesn’t need to be quite that intense or critical. You could just have the most common human feeling there is: dissatisfaction. You could feel like your life is especially mundane lately, and the expectations of the holiday are making it worse.

Of course, money troubles never help the holidays. When you can’t afford gifts and everything else that our society tells us we must need to make the holiday special, you can feel like your holiday is doomed. There is a pressure, especially when you are showing up at a gathering where you have family and friends that you don’t see all the time, to look a certain way. You feel like you need to sport a new outfit, be fitter than last time you saw them (slim for women, and big and buff for men), and fit into societal “norms.” Maybe you should take the nice car and not the junker because otherwise Uncle Skip may judge you. Should I talk a certain way? you ask yourself. And the list of worries and expectations goes on.

So here is the key question: how do we overcome societal expectations and norms that ultimately make us feel dissatisfied? How do we create a holiday that is special to us personally and therefore satisfying? What elements do we need?

This Christmas, I had a fantastic time. Here is the kicker though: I had no extra money to spend on anything. I couldn’t even afford homemade gifts or a tree. So how, you ask, did I possibly have a great Christmas?

The only gift I received was a bead bracelet purchased for me with 5-25 cent pieces from a man on the street who was trying to get donations to help his Buddhist organization build a temple. I was ecstatic with it. Gut busting laughter filled the rest of the day. But how was I, with nothing, so happy? That is what I am trying to analyze here as we lead into New Years to make sure that this next holiday, and therefore the start of 2019 is just as great.

 Here is my guide to a holiday that is satisfying and fun with literally zero expenses (other than $1.25 to buy that beaded bracelet, some gas station and 7-11 sustenance from this same resource along with some much needed and very appreciated gas money from another loved one less):

This holiday guide to satisfaction takes a lot of elements I have learned through research and experience about feeling content in general: this is just a microcosm example of the macrocosm of life. Holidays are like the concentrated elixir of all the elements that make daily life satisfying or dissatisfying. That’s why our dissatisfaction can be so exacerbated during this time: it’s concentrated! Like a shot of whiskey versus a sip of wine or beer, the effects are greater. So here is my humble opinion about what I have learned especially through this last Christmas. Hope they can help you in either these concentrated moments or the larger ones that make up life in general.

1. DON’T COMPARE to past holidays or holidays of others:

Our original plan was to go to my family’s house in the mountains where everyone would be gathering. I was so excited to see the kiddos in my family’s faces light up with the promise of Santa and be around a Christmas time essential: snow! However, in my haste to leave something happened that would surely ruin most people’s holidays: my car almost broke down a quarter of the way through our four hour drive into the Colorado Mountains, and 

we had to turn around. That means going back down the mountain we were climbing, back to a non-plan of a Christmas. My internal planner panicked. 

I’m not going to lie to you, I was not an image of happiness, enlightenment and calm when this happened. I cried, I got frustrated and used blame on everything up to and including my own haste to leave which was ultimately the culprit of disaster. Originally I thought about sulking and accepting that Christmas was ruined. However, it made me come to this conclusion instead:

Don’t have a perfect image in your mind of what your holiday should be. Become more mindful and I guess you would say Buddhist-like or Christ-like and enlightened in decision and in thought.  You want to be like a river: flowing over rocks and obstacles with the natural flow of how things are, not how you “think” they should be.

In our circle on this Christmas, there was a death in a family that we knew of. The mother of the family, the matriarch, had passed away. After the Subaru “Vessel” that has taken me around the country several times, that I lovingly call “The Turtle,” decided to flop out of Christmas and take a time out from the holidays to do turtle things, we took a different path.

We decided to take the Jeep to visit this family that had just adopted three children before this untimely death. We were able to express our sorrow for their loss to them in person. We flowed into this option instead of being secluded in the mountains. We chose to extend into our surrounding community and give our condolences in person. We wouldn’t have been able to do this had an unexpected seemingly tragic thing, (my turtle sleeping), had not happened.

2. Take time to be mindful in your interactions:

If a holiday was ideal and back to its core values, we would take a holiday as a time to make sure we were treating these people we choose to be around in a special way. Not just through gifts, but through words and actions, taking a time to check ourselves and say, I appreciate these people hugely in my life. Let’s show them!

You will get appreciation in return. It will also make the day feel special if you are actively trying to be nicer and make others happy.

 3. Do what you need to do to let go and relax without substances.

This does NOT mean I am saying, “you must stay sober this holiday season in order to be happy.” No, not what I mean at all. I am saying find out in your core what relaxes you and lets you go freely into the day without substances first, and then do what you won’t regret.

This part is ESSENTIAL for my personal happiness. This doesn’t mean I am necessarily an “addict” in “recovery”. I don’t need the label and don’t think I am one. However, we both know that we had the option to indulge in substances this holiday and struggled with that. We could have drank, or whatever else, and felt relaxed and good MOMENTARILY, but it would have been fleeting.

It came up while driving around where we had a fleeting “holiday idea” to stop by a liquor store or dispensary (after all, we live in Colorado) where we knew vices would be galore. We considered it and almost did. We made our final, always easy on other than “holiday” decision by asking ourselves this simple question which I think would help anyone, struggler or not, with whether or not to bend their mind this holiday season: Will we regret it more than we would regret NOT doing it?

Our conclusion, led by my partner, was that we would regret going more than not going, so although the tug of war was a struggle momentarily, we ultimately were happy with our decision and had a laughter filled night even though it was also a very satisfying and sober night.

4. Appreciate what you have, and in this way become an open antenna for positive energy input and output.

This can mean the setting you live in, which costs nothing. I am spoiled in this aspect because I live in Colorado. It’s easy to have free happiness when you live at the base of the Continental Divide with 300 days of sunshine or more a year, I know. Yes, I’m bragging.

This appreciation truly can be practiced anywhere though. Find beauty in life and source your happiness from it. (Thanks, Oriah). Concrete can be beautiful. For example, this Christmas, we later decided to walk around downtown Denver, and without being planned, the setting was perfect. It was cloudy and close to dusk, so the sunset was colorful. There wasn’t an abundance of people crowding the streets, just a few people having fun. The lights were beautiful. Overall, I felt awesome, and the setting played a big part in that feeling. I felt the happiness of those around me because I was open to appreciation. And this is now something I would like to carry with me daily.

 5. Do something you have been wanting to do that you put off on a normal day. Treat yourself essentially, except it doesn’t have to be with money:

To me, this meant simply wearing a dress that I never have the opportunity to wear in my normal daily life, where I do a lot of moving and work such as when performing the rigors of construction and remodeling.

The pink and white lace detail made me feel pretty and gave me a chance to try a new hairstyle too. This cost zero money. I already had the dress and had even worn it to a celebration before, but with zero cost to me, I styled it differently and therefore I felt awesome.

My example doesn’t mean you have to look or dress a certain way. Some other examples of treating yourself with no cost are below:

Visit a new local place you never go, eat something different, take a walk with a friend you don’t normally see, go walk a dog at the animal shelter that you can’t adopt but want to hang out with, etc, etc. It could be anything, and it absolutely does NOT need to cost money or be the normal routine holiday that you have become and allowed yourself to be accustomed to. There’s a great saying that my partner recently added to this arsenal of quality-of-life knowledge, and that is: “Change your thinking, Change your life.”

So there are my thoughts, ideas, and realizations about why my holiday was so great. I am no guru and am not denying the real depression that can hit all of us during the holidays. If anything, use these techniques to manage your feelings. 

I hope I can help with my insights in some ways, and help you to know that the best things in life truly are free. Happy New Year!

 Thanks for reading, and let me know how do you have a content and satisfying holiday? Please comment with your ideas!

◈ Check out the new splash page on Forever Customs and Forever Performing Arts ◈

[minsyal]

[Revali x Reader, Mutual Feelings Pt. 3]

Summary: Wow, that was rude

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

Thank you for the feedback on this story everyone, I will continue it as I didn’t really get any negative comments. I’m glad some of you are enjoying it as much as I am. Happy reading :)

Omisaatio (n): a desert flower that displays an eerie aqua glow as it blooms. It is found in the most peculiar places.

The wooden bridges swayed slightly under the stress of the six individuals forcing it downward. It was honestly shocking that it could even hold Daruk's incredible weight. The panels squeaked and groaned with each step forward. These needed to be replaced. Your head was glued to the sky, observing the Rito Warriors as they flew in from training. Their wives rushed to greet them along with their children. A smile almost tugged at your lips - almost. You stared blankly, watching as a couple embraced and the father scooped the young one up into the air. Their mouth opened as if to let out an amiable laugh and their eyes squinted into two rainbow-like shapes.

The wind had considerably picked up since Revali left. The sky had grown dull and a set of grey clouds loomed overhead. You could barely see the bright luminous hues of blue and white beyond the darkness that settled in. Ahead of you were the other Champions: Zelda, Link, Daruk, Mipha and Urbosa. Sounds of their distant conversation danced backward, chiming through your ears as diluted white noise.

“Looks like we have a fan.” Daruk’s billowing voice echoed from ahead. Your attention was naturally drawn downward, a hint of curiously at who would be down here at this time. The children were busy with their fathers and mothers right now. Surely it isn't an older Rito?

“Hi there!” Daruk said loudly, crouching down to get a good look at the person approaching. You watched as his head lowered, his hand held out to greet them.

“Sorry mister!” A screechy little voice you had grown to love passed the Champions. Soon enough, Keumi was crashing into your legs attempting to knock you over. She had a bad habit of that. Every time she grew slightly more determined to do so, but slightly weaker as well.

“Huh.” Daruk stood back to his full height and gave Urbosa a confused look. His hand came to cradle the back of his neck, his fingers scratching at its base.

Keumi looked the same, except for a new splotch of red that had appeared quite noticeably on her back. Her smile was as radiant as ever and her attitude never faltered. Her eyes only seemed to grow with fascination as she looked up to you.

“What happened?” She screamed more than asked. Her tiny wing attached to your arm and tugged you down to her level, to which you complied. She angrily eyed the cut that had appeared on your face, scrawling from just under your right cheekbone to the curve of your jaw. It had faded considerably from the time when you got it. Now it was only there as a memory, it had melted into your skin in a dark brown color that could never be scrubbed away. With time, it would fade.

“Just a small cut, kiddo. Nothing to worry about.” You leaned forward, bringing your hand up to shield the side of your mouth.  “You should see the other guy. But I think we should be worrying about this,” you motioned dramatically to her body to which she looked at you confused. “Keumi, you know you're not allowed to be this far from the Village alone. Must I go talk to your mother again?”

“No, no, no! You don't need to.” She hopped around on her toes, shaking her head in denial.

“Hmm.” You stroked your chin with your fingers, “Fine. I'll let it go this time. But-”

“It won't happen again! I'll wait until you get to the front steps! I promise!”

“Good girl.”

You glanced up to find the Champions staring at you. They looked utterly shocked at your sudden change of attitude. Quite honestly, all they had really ever seen was sarcasm, blandness and blah. Urbosa had her trademark smirk on her face, her eyebrow raised considerably and her arms crossed over her chest. Choosing to ignore them, you returned your attention to Keumi.

The day was mostly spent doing “Champion duties,” which you had absolutely no part it. Keumi was delighted to have you by her side all day. It had been about a month since she had seen you last, and according to her mother it was killing her. Though, there wasn’t much to do with a slight downpour beating from above. The raindrops cascaded down the sides of the single stone pillar that held the Village together, wetting its surface. Rooftops became slides for the liquid to run down, only to create waterfalls that you could not avoid. Most of the others stayed inside, the Rito were not too keen to getting their feathers wet. Keumi, on the other hand, loved the rain. She dragged you around the islands that you entered on, jumping and skipping through puddles that only grew murkier with every leap.  

At dusk, you were invited to feast among the Champions and the Rito elder, but kindly declined for the calm family setting of Keumi’s home seemed like a more suitable option. Her mother, Seoi, had prepared a pan seared porgy with a home style sauce that vaguely reminded you of the past, Hylian rice steamed with goat butter and a variety of seeds, and sweet vegetable side. Seoi was obviously Keumi’s mother, just judging by color and personality alone. She had the same orange feathers, the same brown eyes, her belly was coated with porcelain feathers and her tail was dipped in brown.

“So, [Name], how has research been coming?” Seoi said in between bites, she sat cross-legged on the floor of their home. A acacia table was paced between the three of you.  

“Slow lately. I've spent so much time with the Champions that I rarely find the time to do actual work. You know when I get back, I’ll have another year’s worth.”

“Yeah! Look at this!” Keumi jumped to her feet and rushed to your side. She lightly feathered her finger down your cut, tracing its path. A pained expression crossed Seoi’s face as she examined it.

If there was anyone in the land of Hyrule that you felt you could call your best friend, it would be Seoi. She was like a mother and best friend all wrapped into one. After finding out Keumi had taken a liking to you, she immediately adopted you into the family. Often, while you were away, she would make a special effort to send you updates on Keumi. She’d ask how you were and always tell you to get more sleep. If Link wasn’t pestering you about your health, Seoi was. It’s like they had some sort of agreement.

“It's nothing really. All patched up.” You put a gentle hand around Keumi’s waist and tugged her closer for a hug. Her wing wrapped around your neck and her head snuggled into the crook of your shoulder.

“What happened?” Seoi’s eyebrows were drawn in, her eyes full of worry.

“Just a little attack. You know those Yiga members, always wanting us dead.” You huffed, staring down at your half-eaten meal. “It's fine, Revali ended up saving me anyway.”

“Revali?” Seoi’s brows raised, a slight inflection of her voice alerted you. She then lowered her brows as a small smile crossed her face. “He sure takes care of you, huh?”

“What?” You coughed, choking for a moment before settling yourself. “No. He annoys me, if anything.” Her grin only grew, a cocked eyebrow told you she didn't believe a word you said.

“Anyway, how have you two been?” You attempted to change the subject. Keumi had crossed back over to her meal, and was happily chowing down.

“Same old, same old. The little one over there has been keeping me up at night, but other than that we’re no different from the time before.”

“Seoi, surely there’s been some excitement?”

“Mom’s dating a new guy!” Keumi said with a full mouth. Seoi shot her a look of disdain as she rolled her eyes and continued eating.

“A new guy, you say? Do I know this guy?” You said coyly, causing Seoi to blush.

“We aren’t dating.” She corrected, bringing a small cloth up to wipe the sauce from her beak.

“Yet!” Keumi giggled.

“I’m glad you’re putting yourself out there Seoi. It’s about time.”

The conversation continued until every last morsel of food had disappeared from your plates. Keumi was lying on her back by the end of the meal, her wing draped lazily across her full belly. Seoi laughed, covering her mouth with her wing before excusing herself. She picked Keumi up, hushing her before lowering her into her hammock.

A hint of sadness flickered in the back of your mind. The scene ignited flames from the past, sending chills coursing through your body, shaking you to the core. Seoi whispered words of encouragement and a mothers love to Keumi as she drifted off to sleep. You couldn't help but envy her.

“So let's talk about you.” Seoi collected the plates and left them sitting on the counter. Grabbing your arm, she escorted you from the home and out onto the walkway. The rain had stopped an hour or two ago. The wood was damp, but not soaking. “I'm worried about you.”

“What's there to worry about?” You attempted to laugh it off. She rolled her eyes and began dragging you to the staircase heading up. You immediately knew where you were going. Revali’s landing. It was Seoi and Keumi’s favorite spot in all of the Rito Village, and she always took you there when she wanted to talk.

“There you go again. Always trying to pretend you're fine.” She lowered her voice, a dash of distress was sewn into her words. Seoi’s hand shook against your body as if trying to shake the answers from you. “You don't look fine.”

“Are you hinting that I’m ugly?” Joking was pointless, Seoi was not having any of it.

“[Name],” she scorned, “Look at yourself. Those dark circles faded months ago, only to come back. Your body shakes like you’ve been left out in the cold. You’re over working yourself.”

“I’m trying to save people, Seoi.” The landing was in front of you, nobody on it. She walked you out to one of the edges and plopped you down with your legs dangling over the edge. “I know it sounds insane, but the Calamity is coming back sooner than we know.”

“If you work yourself to death, you won’t be able to help anymore.”

“I’ll have left what I needed to. That’s all I can ask. I’m no good at fighting, I can’t hold my own. Research and,” you inhaled deeply, the frigid air filling your lungs. The weight of it felt suffocating, like it was dragging everything into your stomach. You exhaled. “It’s just, it’s just all I have. It’s all I can do and I will do what I must.”

Her pleads became fuzzy, and eventually were tuned out completely. Below were the Champions, joyously laughing and clinking their glasses together. The heat of their fire rose into the air, its wispy embers engulfing themselves before burning into nothing. The updraft licked at your heels, warming the soles of your shoes. Though completely aware of your catatonic state, Seoi continued to speak. Her voice soothed you, it was like an effervescent tea that heated your frozen heart. She spoke about how she was immensely proud of you and only wished for you to be healthy. She told of the man she was dating, and how he reminded her so much of the last. A story of Keumi passed through, something about how she had made some new friends. After an hour of staring into space, she stood, patted your shoulder and told you she was going to retire for the night.

“Please get some rest tonight.” Seoi brushed her fingers through your hair, lingering for a moment before disappearing. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight.” You muttered, focus never faltering from the night sky.

The sounds of the Champions feast had dispersed, it ended thirty minutes ago. The fire was put out and you were left alone with your thoughts. The heat no longer grasped onto you, the comforting words of Seoi had gone, and you felt like you were the only one awake in the Rito Village. Another hour passed and you remained in the same spot. Finally, you decided it was time to find the Inn and lay your head down.

The beds were full, no vacancies for you to fill. Zelda and Link were occupying the two on the right side, Urbosa and Mipha on the left. Daruk was curled into a giant ball and placed perfectly in the center of the room. The Rito that was usually behind the desk and the one that stood out front were gone. You sighed, turning on your heel and opting to walk until you found a dry suitable place to rest.

“The early bird catches the worm.” An irritating voice caught your attention as you began descending the staircase, heading toward the exiting bridges. “Looks like you’ve been left behind.”

“I’m not dealing with you right now, Revali.” You said, eyes searching through the dark of night. A yellow grow illuminated from the stable, there were always open beds there.

“Oh, but you see. You just did.” He hovered over for a moment before lowering his body onto the ground beside you. “I noticed your absence from dinner tonight, why?”

Keeping your mouth closed, you focused on the task at hand – getting away from him. Your feet moved as if on auto pilot, carrying you further down.

“Ah, ignoring me huh? Well, I suppose I’ll just have to fill the empty space with my own.” He matched you in stride. “I assume you missed the feast to spend time with that little urchin of yours. Am I right? What was her name? It’s seemed to have slipped my mind.”

“Urchin?” You stopped in your tracks, a heavy tension bundling at the base of your neck. Your entire body tensed, she wasn’t an urchin.

“You know, the small one with the color mutation.”

“She isn’t an urchin.” You hissed through your clenched teeth.

“Getting a rise out of you, eh? So it seems you’re quite fond of that little family of paupers.”

Your fists clenched, your nails digging painfully into the palms of your hands. The wetness of blood coated your fingertips, signaling that you needed to stop. He wasn’t important enough for your time. It wasn’t worth it.

“You do fit in with them quite well, though.” A condescending tone engulfed his voice. “Maybe you should finally leave the Champions and be where you belong? You’re not of any use anyway.”

Before you could stop yourself, you had forcefully latched your hand around his beak. Yanking him down to your level, you left no room for any sense of remorse regarding your action. Revali’s brows raised, you had never really stood up to him physically.

“Insult me as much as you want, but never speak of Seoi or Keumi ever again.” You tossed him away like he was a piece of garbage, turned on your heel and stormed off.

Revali stayed in his spot, watching with a sense of regret. The cloud of night consumed your being, leaving no trace. Revali mentally slapped himself, why did he always have to combat things with words of hate? Why was it so difficult to express himself?

[pansexualromantic]

This last year....

This last year, I learned so much about myself. 

This is a personal post for self reflection

This year has been pretty insane. I remember last Christmas. I had just broken up with my ex, I was living on my own and working a job that didn’t really appreciate the amount of effort that I put forth during such stressful times. I was very infatuated with one of my friends at the time. I was drinking too much and smoking too much weed. I was high all the time.

I spent my time playing games with people I wanted to get close too, and wanted to hopefully get into a new circle, but looking back now I see that I may have been fooling myself into thinking I was something I wasn’t.

There was this constant hope I would be good enough to be around, but I should have known I was. I didn’t, not after all I had been going through at the time. I remember just feeling so brain washed and so completely strung along, but also having such a good time, that I can’t think badly of people that honestly were always very kind to me. I wonder how they are some times, but then I just recall that everyone goes their own ways and I had learned a lot from my time with them in my life.

Eddie and Fluffe, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for truly seeing me, for seeing deep enough into who I really am to bring the good and bad things about myself to light. If I didn’t deal with the bad, I wouldn’t know how to make myself fight that part of me. There is light and dark to everyone, you made me have to deal with it head on, and yes, it was uncomfortable, but that is how I have grown to recognize it in myself. 

The hardest thing I ever had to do was listening to how I think of others when first meeting them. I never seemed to stick to one version of myself, I never actually loved myself, I never felt at home with my decisions and although I was really afraid of myself and who I might become, seeing that and then trying to understand it has made me so much more self aware. Without the tools you showed me, however you did, I am grateful. Meeting you both was a huge turning point for me in accepting myself completely. Although I haven’t achieved that yet, (and may never) I have at least moved forward enough to try to. 

This is a fucked up world we live in, and this last year, it has been made that much clearer to me. Society is a scam built around the rich to keep the lower class as low as possible. It is made to make us insecure, full of self doubt, and consumers in a market that it made to starve us. With the president that we have I fear it will only get worse, but at least I will know the real reason behind it. I know that there is a process that can be taken to at least help with some things but not all, and worse, I know what it really feels to pushed. It is hard, and for some it happens every day of their lives. I understand.

I do little things to do what I can, I know that it will always feel like I’m not doing enough. I will try and be there for what I can. 

Another thing that has changed my life, is my sister coming back from Colorado. The circumstances may have not been the best, but, it was probably what was best for her. She got out of a shitty relationship almost a year after me. I remember her calling me on new years eve, while I was with Eddie and Fluffe, saying that she may have to come home then. She was lonely, she was looked down on and suffocated. The person that she is, I couldn’t see her being happy that way. I am her sibling and support any decision she has about her life. However, receiving that call made my heart so sad for how she felt and I am so happy that she has finally found self love and friendship. It has given me the courage to step out of all the negativity that I have had to endure. I have seen her during some tough times since coming back to Oregon, and I am sure they won’t be the last. I am glad we have each other to look toward for guidance when we are unsure. I will always be there for you, even when you move back like your heart is telling you too. 

Some of this year was very disheartening. With the separation from my ex came money problems to harsh I can’t quite explain, with my mother came mental issues so harsh I almost attempted cutting, or possibly suicide. I had no way of knowing what I would do. I held a knife so close to myself I had no clue what I was going to do with it before I threw it away from me. I got an eviction on my name through no fault of my own. I was unable to keep a job for more then a week for some time. I felt lost, felt stressed, felt like I was sick in the head and going crazy. I felt like nothing and cried, felt so much and just sat there. I beat myself up for small things, and then forgave myself for big things, it just felt like a mess.

I began therapy and meds this year. I got checked to see if I had an STD this year. I cried when I found out I was positive like I believed I might have been. My mistakes from the past came to haunt me the rest of my life, at 24 years old. It was so easy to tell myself that no one would ever want to love me again. I started taking my medication, and talking with my therapist about why things may have been so hard for so long. She said it sounded like I had PTSD, and sure enough, I don’t find that diagnosis to be very far from true. With mental health it is hard to hit the nail on the head, but in this case it was damn close. 

I started the first job I have been able to hold down in the last 6 months in October. I started with the hope of being able to get through the day, make a pay check without my hyper vigilance or anxiety making me walk out like the last several jobs I did have. To this day, I am grateful to have been hired. Yes there are days where this job does kind of suck. I am sore and my body aches but it is worth it to feel even slightly comfortable. I have even made some friends there, and I haven’t done that in a while. I was really afraid of getting close to anyone at the station, only to find out that some amazing people are the main reason I show up, and they appreciate me for it.

The last thing that happened this year, and this has changed my life. It all started with a comment. One comment on this site, about a transman that I saw while I was getting some fabric for a costume. It was a post about trans men being allowed in male only spaces, and not womens only spaces. The person said to me, that my comment was rather rude. Immediately I saw where they were coming from, I apologized, took down the post and felt awful. I noticed that what I did write was offensive and told myself to do more research on the matter so that this mistake would never happen again. After a few months of doing just that, I began to question my own gender. 

As of now, I have been out as a transgender male for 3 months. I told my father on thanksgiving. I told my mother a few days ago, and my sisters have both known for about 5 months. I come out to people constantly, I get “ma’am” a lot at work, but, I have never felt more okay with the idea of being me. This is who I am and I am proud of it. Did I think this would happen a year after getting out of toxic relationship? Hell no, but I feel happier now then I ever did in that situation. Even with my PTSD, my STD, and being transgender, I was able to find someone that loves who I am. That is really what is amazing to me. Someone that tells me, “I’m not with you for your body, I’m here for your personality.” Means they see enough of who I really am, and don’t mind the hard parts of me. 

Well, I guess this has been 2017. From my perspective it was hard at first and has gradually gotten a lot better. At least currently with my life personally. The main downside to this year is the monkey with the nuke button most likely planning to start WW3 but at least I have this time to look back on when we are all in fema camps. 

end of personal post 2017.

[cosmosogler]

hey.

today i got up on time and got to the office on time. i taught my lab and everyone finished. one girl asked if i had their grades. 

i said “before the end of my natural lifespan i will get your grades back.”

the girl behind her laughed really hard. 

when that ended i went to my office hour and very slowly attempted to drink my soup. the thermos is a little too Powerful. i helped a student get set up to practice their lab while i oversaw the otherwise empty room and clicked through some social media sites. 

i think the break was helpful. it was nice to eat food slowly for once at least. when my hour was up i went back to suzanne’s office and got settled and worked on the late classical assignment and finished what i could... nobody knew how to do number 5 so i just wrote what i think i would need to do to solve it, and that i didn’t know how to start doing that, and turned it in. i briefly considered stopping at one of the offices i passed to talk about research projects, but i felt too busy and even more shy. 

so i went back downstairs and caught up on ALL my class notes, and put in a word with suzanne to give john my contact details. i will try to catch him before or after class tomorrow. and i did some work for e&m. 

that ended up taking all day. i didn’t get any grading done. i am avoiding it. i need to stop avoiding it. i will try again tomorrow. 

at about 3:15 i went upstairs with luis to the coffee/cookie afternoon thing that’s every tuesday and thursday. today i learned, from listening to the other students talk about their textbook, that they were undergraduates. i thought all of them were graduate students. 

there is a girl i have spoken with a few times. her name is also samantha. she said i was “so cute” when i roasted luis. i gritted my teeth and asked if it was the bow. she said it was the bow, and the curly hair, and the face, and that i was holding my tiny cookie with both hands, and a couple other things. 

i guess... it was... good...??? to get feedback on that. 

then she called me cute four more times in the next 20 minutes. i wanted to slap my hands on the table and tell her i am like four years older than her. as if being older makes you not cute i guess.

eventually i slumped in my chair and muttered “maybe YOU’RE cute.”

i think that was the response she was looking for because she got excited. i did like her glasses though, they are super round and huge. i only have “stern librarian” reading glasses. my elton john sunglasses broke at the frame so now the lens pops out. i have too many heavy things in my purse maybe. i can’t go anywhere without my game boy. just a habit by now.

that’s the only heavy thing in my purse.

then she called me cute again and didn’t seem to realize i had complimented the SHAPE of her glasses because she said “you have eyes.” 

i said “you have beautiful eyes. can i have them?” 

afterward when we were back in our office i asked luis if she was “like flirting with me for real.” he said sometimes people can be attracted to each other. later he texted her and then informed me it had been in jest.

but apparently i look like shirley temple. i get it from my gramma. my biological father’s side of the family also has naturally curly hair. my half brothers both have kinda soft round faces too.

i didn’t get flustered because she specifically called me cute. i got a little annoyed because it’s a Thing i deal with constantly from other people. and she did it like six times in the 40 minutes i was up there.

it feels like i worked all day? but it also feels like i didn’t get anything done. even though i was working for real and making progress through the things i was doing. like i wrote about four class periods’ worth of notes. well, three and a half. i nabbed my missing quantum notes from jake and jennica let me steal her notebook for the day since she wasn’t in the office. 

i hung out with harrison for a little while. he has a masters. at 19. i made a series of jokes where harrison was becoming more and more accomplished at more and more ridiculous ages until he was a tenured professor at a university teaching phd students older than him.

eventually rebika asked me a question, i don’t remember what it was, and when i responded she answered with “i don’t care.” i said “OH OKAY.”

luis laughed and said “sammie’s triggered.” 

i said “i’m pretty tilted.”

so i yanked rebika’s chain mercilessly for the next 25 minutes after that until i got ready to go home. 

i biked home without running out of breath! i mean i still have trouble picking up speed again after the hill, and i got cut off in the roundabout by a car that decided to go whatever speed i was going while i was trying to get into the circle, but i didn’t pant hardly at all!

haha the roundabout was annoying though. as i approached the circle in the highest gear the car came zooming right in and cut me off, so i slowed down, and then the car slowed down, and then i stopped, and the car stopped, and then i got moving and it moved. eventually it passed and i had to try to start moving in the highest gear because i didn’t have time to switch to a lower one before i’d stopped. i got passed by other bikes before i could pedal enough to switch my gear down.

when i got home i did some dishes and fussed over snoopy and took out the recycling. then i made TERIYAKI TEMPEH!!!

except the teriyaki i bought at the grocery store was just soy sauce which made me pretty sad. because i already have soy sauce. why did they call it teriyaki if it was soy sauce?

i had to make my own except i didn’t have corn starch so it was runny. 

it wasn’t my best dish ever? but it was perfectly acceptable. the rice came out really good for my first time ever making it myself. there’s something about this tempeh though that seems different from the kind i got at home, even though it shouldn’t be... they are the same brand. i can’t seem to recreate the nutty flavor. maybe it’s because i soften it first.

maybe they aren’t the same brand. the one i had at home crumbled super easy and this one i have to cut with a knife and then break apart as i saute it.

anyway i had plenty to eat, i made a little too much. at that point it was well after 8. i wanted to grade, but... i bummed around on the internet for a little bit instead. i checked my usual evening comics and then it was 9:30. that’s not enough time to do any grading so i swept my floor instead and finished up the dishes and hid some cookies around for snoopy to find. she didn’t find the last one from yesterday, which isn’t in one of her sleeping spots. 

maybe i should hide them BEFORE i give her a bunch off the bat so she watches me do that instead of eating while i hide them.

i cleared off my desk just a little bit and made up my to-do list for tomorrow and now it is 10:40. tomorrow i have group therapy AND the student “care area” appointment. and three classes. but at least it’s spaghetti day and my classmates are back on schedule.

emotionally... i am doing ok i guess. i felt more focused today than i have in like ten days. i got over a big hurdle with catching up with the class notes. and i wrote down the first question of the next classical assignment so it’s... started, technically. five to ten minutes i won’t have to spend later at least.

jake also gave me a bit of a pep talk. well, it wasn’t a pep talk so much as “you’re doing exactly what i did last year with the class notes.” he seems like a Responsible Adult. and he does take beautiful notes. he said mine were great though.

and i do more homework than he did last year (which was none) so hopefully that will... help somehow. i guess.

i just need to stop procrastinating and do the hard stuff. study for e&m and not just skim the chapter without reading anything. grade. i won’t have a lot of time tomorrow with the double appointments. but i also don’t have many other things on my to-do list that i can acceptably use to put off the stressful stuff. 

yeah, looking at the list, basically a third of it is taken up with just grading milestones alone. 

anyway, it’s 10:48, which is three minutes after my “stop writing” alarm has gone off. so i will get ready for bed now i guess. i also stretched today for just a few minutes so i feel a little more settled i hope. back, wrist, and eye exercises are something i’d like to start incorporating into my daily schedule but i’m not sure where to fit them in. i’ll look into that after this grading adventure is no longer an adventure and more of a routine. hopefully before the end of my natural lifespan.

[fire-blog-with-me]

Blue Rose Case File 4S

Agent Tamara Preston: “Deputy Director Gordon Cole’s recent dossier assignment left me deeply uncomfortable. Despite being tempered by my skepticism, I cannot deny that the whole experience mystified me. To remedy this, I decided to probe deeper with my own investigation. One of the few times in my life where I went forward without a strategy, so I found myself deep in the paper archives of the Bureau following wherever the path would lead. Just after midnight, I found a collection of boxes that held what I sought–perfect timing… the boxes held paperwork, case files, agent notes, memos, evidence, tapes, and many other documents. The following excerpts are documents collectively designated as Blue Rose Case File 4S. …”

From the audiotape archives of Special Agent Dale Cooper: “Diane, 3:30 p.m. December 6th. I am currently standing on a horizon of ice and snow outside Sioux Falls. It happened again. I had barely exited the airport terminal when the local law enforcement broke the news… there was another victim this morning. Daniel Stroup was found by public workers during a routine inspection of city buildings; he was found with what appears to be bite marks, deep gashes and lacerations across the torso and face, and vital organs missing just like the other victims. Evidence points to some kind of a serial killer, instinct points to a feral animal attack, and intuition points to something far more sinister.”

From a local newspaper/tabloid article: “ […] Gus Gunderson, president of the local gun club (running for his fourth term next month), outdoors enthusiast, and active member of the community, returned from a week-long hunting trip in the surrounding wild bearing further claims of a monster living among us. Gunderson is just the latest in a string of witnesses to what has been dubbed ‘The Crowned Man’ or 'Killer King’. Urban Legends of this figure have dated back to the days of our colonial settlers, but it seems like these encounters have had an increase in frequency over the last few years. Gunderson describes his encounter as "the single most frightening moment of my life… and I fought in Vietnam! At least back then, I knew what was in the jungle was of the Earth. They were human beings, we were human beings. When I saw that thing [Crowned Man]…I knew instantly that it was not anything of God's Earth. […] It started yesterday afternoon; I had a fresh kill and was prepping it for dinner. As I was cooking and the sun was going down, I felt something circling me and watching my movements. It stopped until nightfall. When I slept in my tent I awoke to the sounds of footsteps, heavy and somewhat plodding, around the campsite. I slowly reached for my rifle and clutched it close to my body. Suddenly, my tent was illuminated by a deep orange glow from outside, almost tricking me into thinking it was sunrise but I knew that was not sunlight. That's when I saw my first glimpse of it. It was only a silhouette but dear lord... it was slowly rising off all fours and when it stood up straight must've been 8 feet tall maybe 10, with long spindly hands and fingers, wispy long hair, and a crown of horns on its head...I busted out of that tent gun blazing, got in my truck and hightailed it back home.' [...] Gunderson mentions plans to lead a group of community minded individuals back into those woods to hunt and kill the Crowned Man.”

From the Tapes of Agent Dale Cooper: “Diane, 6:00 p.m. on December 21st, the winter solstice. Shortest day of the year. The sun is setting and night is upon us. A world of clear bright white has become a world of shadow and silhouette. It’s beautiful, Diane, but my mind is on the ugliness of the world. Five victims, Diane. Two before I arrived and 3 after my arrival. I believe I know the solution to this puzzle but I have yet to confirm my suspicions. I hope to solve this before the holidays but I’m not sure if that will be accomplished. As you know, the case has taken strange turn after strange turn, with piling frustration and obstacles. I’m facing skeptical local authorities (every town has them, Diane, I should be used to it by now but I’m still not a fan). A lawyer is obstructing the investigation whenever given the chance. The local coroner cannot stomach the autopsies so the reports have been coming in slower than desired. The victims show signs of ritual, torture, and cannibalization. Diane, this profoundly disturbs me, as it should… Not to mention that the coffee is underwhelming at best. I’m sorry but it’s true. As consolation though, there is the most revelatory double chocolate cake served at my Bed & Breakfast. Diane, I’m going to be sad to say goodbye to that cake. Also, Diane if it’s not too much trouble would you please remind me to double my physical fitness when I get back to Philadelphia…”

From local newspaper obituary: " Week of August 10, 1985. ... 'Lester Lundegaard, 42 years old. Died on a hunting trip last Saturday; he and his hunting group were killed in a wild animal attack. He was a vital part of the community, serving people at the Safeway for 20 years, participating in the bowling league, and an active member of the gun club. He is survived by his wife and children.' [...] 'Ron Tanner, 70 years old. Ron Tanner died over the weekend during a freak animal attack that killed him and the rest of his hunting trip companions. He had no grandchildren of his own, but in a way Sioux Falls was all his grandchildren. He will be remembered for his stories, his cheering at the high school football games, and his warm acceptance and support of everyone who knew him. He will be missed. Ron Tanner is survived by his brother Charles.' [...] 'Gus Gunderson, 50 years old. Sioux Falls will be a quieter place now, and that will take some getting used to. Gus was one of the most outspoken and outgoing members of the community. His list of achievements and activities would be too long to list here. Goodbye Gus Gunderson. He is survived by his wife and children.'"

Agent Tamara Preston: "Gus Gunderson did go on his hunting expedition for this Crowned Man, and brought along a group of 15 strong. Local authorities announced the massacre to the public as a freak animal accident. Of course, according to what I see here Agent Cooper was not fooled by this and suspected the work of something paranormal...why am I not surprised? Apparently, the same local Law Enforcement that gave Cooper such a headache later claimed in a press release that they debunked Crowned Man legend and that the they solved the string of killings...how you ask? The police claimed to have gone on their own hunt and brought back an exceptionally large stag (they claimed t was what witnesses saw as the Crowned Man) and what they claimed to be a pack of stray dogs who killed over 20 individuals over the course of half a year...Cooper later notes down that 'he's never been more disappointed in fellow law enforcement in his life.' I'm inclined to agree."

From the audio tapes of Special Agent Dale Cooper: "Diane, 11:30 a.m. I'm currently waiting to be discharged from the hospital. Last night I had an encounter with the Crowned Man again, this time escalating to more danger than I was prepared for. Don't worry Diane, I have a few lacerations but nothing that yoga, meditation, and a strong mind-body connection cannot fix...not to mention the help of local pain medications. It's remarkable what biochemists can do when manipulating chemicals. Of course I think part of the pain comes from my earlier encounter with that man who I have just learned is named Lorne Malvo. He is hunting me, Diane, and I intend to become the hunter not the hunted. He's a feral man, almost like some devil. In my darkest moments of fear, I would even say he could be the Crowned Man itself. I'll be on the alert, Diane. Also, could I request you do a search on Lorne Malvo in the FBI and CIA archives.' [...] 'Diane, 11:43 a.m. I almost forgot, but in addition to researching Malvo, I was hoping you could also find and send any information you can on...well, hmmm... Diane? Have you ever heard of the myth of the Wendigo?'"

From the final case report filed by Agent Dale Cooper: "From July to December 1985, 25 individuals in and around the Sioux Falls area of South Dakota were found dead, killed by apparent animal attacks or some depraved serial killer. However, upon my own investigation of the evidence, it is clear that it is not the work of beast nor of man. It is something infernal. [...] With no extraordinary help from local authorities but all the much appreciated help of local citizens, I was able to identify members of this cult through a combination of clues and intuition. Left and right hemispheres working together is a beautiful thing. A dozen local residents, ranging from all kinds of socioeconomic classes, were arrested for being part of the violent cult. [...] No traces of my attacker, but I know that Lorne Malvo will show up again. [...] [REDACTED] Bodies were found mutilated beyond easy identification, but lost in the shuffle of the grotesque was modus operandi. [REDACTED] signs of occult markings and [REDACTED]. As discussed a cult group enacting some sort of black magick ritual. That is the socially appropriate conclusion, but my intuition and personal experience tells me that it goes further. During my investigation I had several encounters with what locals referred to as the Crowned Man or Killer King, but after engaging with this entity I believe we should refer to it as [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] antlers jut out of its head and twist to shape like some magnificent and terrible crown [REDACTED] empty white eyes [REDACTED] long hands and fingers, deceivingly sharp, wrapped around my neck [REDACTED] shot the entity twice through each eye and once through each nostril [REDACTED] [...] I do not know for sure if [REDACTED] is still out there, but my heart says sadly that it is. There is more in Heaven and Earth than is dreamed of in our philosophies."

From Agent Tamara Preston: "Okay... Wendigos? Crowns of Horns? It's 3 in the morning. Wonderful. There's no further FBI investigations into this Crowned Man phenomenon--Good job, Cooper--but I was able to uncover more information about that Lorne Malvo figure mentioned in Cooper's tapes. According to FBI reports, Malvo was responsible for hundreds maybe thousands of deaths over the last few decades. There's still not much information on him, he's still as much a phantom as he was to Agent Cooper in 1985. But of note is that he returned to the Midwest area in 2006 where he was responsible for a chain of murders and other violent crimes. From 2006, Malvo and a possible accomplice/rival named Lester Nygaard terrorized several cities in Minnesota. Among the victims of that bloody year, law enforcement both local and federal--Agents Webb Pepper and Bill Budge were killed in action against Lorne Malvo--citizens, and Malvo even single-handedly eliminated the Fargo Crime Family. Both Lorne Malvo and Lester Nygaard died soon after. Well... that's enough for me. Agent TP signing off for tonight."

[frenchraisins]

September in the Philippines signals the start of the Christmas season. Yes, if you are a reader from outside the Philippines, we have one of the longest (or probably the longest) Yuletide celebrations in the world. I recently found this old photo in my long-unused camera, dedicated to all people who miss traveling like me Hello September: Blogging + Life Updates IN THIS ARTICLE However, aside from jokes circulating in social media about the appearance of Mr. Jose Mari Chan, singer of the classic “Christmas In Our Hearts” song, the season is still not palpable as compared to previous years. That’s because Metro Manila and some other parts of the country are still under community quarantine.  That means most establishments are still operating on limited hours while some are even not allowed to open yet. People are still encouraged to just stay at home and to not go out unless necessary.  As for myself, I am still working from home since July but come August, I started to report to the office once a week. Like anybody else whose routine has been disrupted by the pandemic, there was nothing to do but adjust to the situation and to keep myself busy with work, family, and personal projects.  Anyway, here’s to share with you some of the things that I had been busy with since publishing my mid-year update:  Blogging Updates  In terms of my personal projects, it is blogging that I dedicate a lot of my time to. Since the Metro Manila lockdown last March, I looked for ways to address my plummeting stats. I worked on my old posts but starting last June, after updating almost half of my posts, I slowed it down and focused on creating new content and updating my knowledge in content creation.  Photo courtesy of pexels.com Travel content has taken a huge slowdown, primarily because of the coronavirus travel restrictions. Again, we wanted to visit Boracay last March but the local COVID-19 travel ban plus our personal decision not to travel with our children meant that all plans are on indefinite hold.  Our luggage would have to sadly take a break in the meantime. With that, I focused on creating parenting and lifestyle content instead.  Here are some of my favorite posts from last month:  1. 5 Tips on how to easily cut your toddler’s hair  Aside from making ice cream, one of the things I learned during the quarantine was how to cut our toddler’s hair. I created a post to help other parents in getting their baby to cooperate with them during their haircut session.  2. 5 surprising health benefits of Pepper Elder (Pansit-pansitan) I also wrote a post about an herb called pansit-pansitan, regarded by many as weed but is actually a plant packed with many health benefits.  3. How GCash can be your ultimate budgeting tool   I also wrote about how GCash can help people budget their money. These are just some of my favorite posts that I hope people would find value in.  Last August, I was able to secure partnership with three brands: one is an appliances brand, the other is a haircare brand, and the last one is Colgate. I was really happy that Colgate chose me to be one of the bloggers who will be part of the #GrowUpSmilingTogether campaign to promote the brand’s baby and kiddie toothpaste variants. It is one of the biggest brands that I was able to work with and I am just happy for the opportunity.  Also last month, I signed up for an online webinar regarding blogging success organized by Writing Hacks Academy. It was a fruitful one hour with a lot of new learning as well as affirmations on what I currently know about blogging. Some of my key takeaways are the following:  1. Always innovate, don’t stagnate - continuously learn trends and improve your craft. 2. Just go for it  - don't overthink, start what you have set out to do now. 3. Find your happy - be happy when you write and your readers will feel it, too.  On the technical side of blogging, I am just amazed with how a small tweak can lead to better traffic. I reverted my robots.txt to its default setup and submitted a new sitemap to Google Search Console and it did the trick. It was not a huge spike in traffic but it was definitely noticeable.  I have also been using Google Keyword Planner and Google Trends a lot lately to research for good keywords. I am just thankful to have been able to learn how to use these tools to help me with SEO.  Photo courtesy of pexels.com One thought that has been going around in my head with regard to blogging is this, “Is blogging dead or dying?” and the definite answer for me is “no.” While social media (particularly Instagram and, lately, TikTok) is fun and easy, nothing can replace the information that can be communicated in long-form content. As such, blogging is here to stay for a long time, maybe even longer than those popular social media channels.  So, if you are thinking of starting that blog, just go for it. There are a lot of platforms where you can begin (such as in Blogger, Wordpress, Wix, Weebly, and Tumblr, to name a few) and study the technical aspects of blogging.  Life Lately  As I had mentioned earlier, Khris and I are both working from home. We consider this as the ideal set up because we are with our kids and we can check on them anytime that we need or want to. Working from home is also the most practical set up these days because, well, it’s much safer to just stay at home.  We do not have any big plans except that we might have to give up our condo unit soon and maybe move back to my in-laws’ house in Novaliches while Metro Manila is still under the community quarantine. Other than that, we have postponed looking for our own house or maybe a bigger condo unit.  Let me just share with you some of my thoughts and realizations while on quarantine. It is just sad that this pandemic has exposed the bad side of a lot of people. I try to understand them because surely they are also under a lot of pressure. On the other hand, it is good to uncover truths and finally further trim down our circle of friends.  In terms of work, I am just thankful that our company continues to provide for us. We still have our livelihood intact. But similar to some of our friends, the pandemic has exposed the bad side of some colleagues. It’s just sad to think that, while we are all on survival mode, some people could still have the capacity to not play fair. Well, that’s life. Then again, it’s always better to know the truth.  Also read: Mid-Year Blogging Recap + Life Lately That’s it for now. I hope you are well and safe. How has life been to you? Won’t you share your story with me? mbtTOC();

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